ENQUIRY

“My partner’s sexual behaviour has left me devastated – should I stay or should I go?”

Many clients come to therapy wondering whether they should leave or stay, after they have discovered their partner’s infidelity, or other compulsive sexual behavior. This may include a combination of: serial affairs at work; Internet pornography; sexual massages; use of sex workers; and use of anonymous dating Apps. Excessive alcohol, drugs and workaholism may also be involved.  

Even though the behavior is intolerable or very risky, and causing great suffering – there may often seem compelling reasons to stay.

Young children may be involved. If the acting out partner has been a “good enough” parent, the children will suffer greatly if they leave. Further, the burden of parenting the children alone may seem too much.

The client may worry about the family finances – that they may not be able to support themselves and their children if the partner withholds money or does not agree to split the money appropriately.

The client may have to return to their country of origin and may not be able to bring the children with them, if their partner contests this.

Leaving may cause the client great shame, particularly with their family, friends and work colleagues.

The client may fear loneliness; or may ardently fantasize that things will get back to the way they were – eventually. After all, the couple may have a long, shared history, and may have weathered many other difficulties together.

Starting with a new relationship in future may be as daunting as living alone forever.

Some clients may be so angry and resentful, that leaving may seem like the partner getting away it. Leaving may appear like giving the partner a license to continue their intolerable behavior – unchecked and unavenged. It may result in the partners frittering the family money away.

Friends and family may be unhelpful – full of directive and conflicting advice.  Clients may be ashamed, or too anxious of the reaction they will receive to even share about their suffering.

However, some clients are unaware that there may be a solution.

If the partner is assessed for a compulsive sexual behavior disorder and subsequently undertakes recovery; and the client works in therapy on taking care of themselves; learning and growing from the experience; and improving their relationship – there may still be hope in keeping the family together.

Ultimately, both need to work on themselves and the relationship, if it is to be saved.

But the first step may just be reaching out to seek help.

Promises Healthcare Pte. Ltd. provides support for both the partner and the person suffering from compulsive sexual behavior and can help the couple to work on the solution.