Episode 7 of En Ullae S2 is a harrowing tale of Ramesh’ descent into utter despair due to his alcohol addiction. After the lilting trill of a happy alcohol buzz wears off, people in the throes of addiction often experience a sense of bitterness and desolation. It’s an artificial stimulant that when consumed, releases endorphins, neurotransmitters that promote a feeling of euphoria and help reduce stress.
Some instances of alcoholism are undergirded by an anxiety disorder, according to Dr Rajesh Jacob. He posits that people attempt to “treat” symptoms of anxiety by self-medicating with alcohol, ameliorating the discomfort of social situations through chemically induced disinhibition and happiness. They become chattier, and won’t choke during conversations – an alluring prospect for chronically anxious people.
Ramesh, now advanced in age, wistfully recounts how he fell into alcoholism. At 15, he and his friends would entertain themselves with drinks and idle chatter at a ‘kopitiam’, a Singaporean colloquialism for ‘coffee-shop’. Dr Jacob reminds us that despite being a stimulant, long term alcohol abuse invariably leads to depression or anxiety. Alcohol addiction can stem from a variety of factors – from the ‘angry, drunk father’ to early over-exposure to alcohol, and everything in between. Hassan Mansoor, a recovering alcoholic, confesses that his first foray into Bacchanal pleasure was during his secondary school years(junior high) for you Americans). He doesn’t remember the time with rose-tinted glasses, though – his adolescent years were marked by incessant violence, physical altercations and poor academic performance. He’d thought it made him look “cool”. Beer, whiskey, “Boon Kee Low”, “Paddy”, its name derived from its roots as a rice wine, and “Deer”. All of them cheap highs.
We’re then treated to a vignette in which a listless Ramesh, rake thin, gets into an argument with his doe-eyed girlfriend over whether wine should be drunk at lunch. Both of them are adamant that they hold the moral high ground – Ramesh, with his insistence that wine is “not hard liquor”, and Reena, with the awareness that his alcoholism is ruining not only their relationship but himself. We learn that the long-suffering Reena has tolerated Ramesh’s equivocations and excuses for four years, and she’s at the end of her tether.
(Click on the link for a version with English subtitles. Remember to click on the ‘Settings’ button to reveal the English subtitle selection. https://www.mewatch.sg/en/series/en-ullae-s2/ep7/954631 ) Dr Jacob explains that genuine awareness of an alcohol problem can only legitimately come from within, and external criticism is met with a wall of anger and irritation. In the early stages of alcohol addiction, one usually does manage to induce some level of happiness. As the disease progresses, drinking no longer “feels good” and chemical dependence means that consumption is imperative to avoid withdrawals. Alcohol withdrawal symptoms include hand tremors, which can set in as quickly as 4 – 6 hours from the last drink, insomnia, anxiety, psychological cravings, palpitations and sweating. Alcohol addiction is a vicious cycle, according to Dr Jacob.
Most people suffering from alcohol addiction start off with social drinking, which isn’t a problem in itself. However, addiction is a chronic, progressive disease which Dr Jacob measures with three factors of varying severity: drink frequency, duration of drinking, and cravings. Ramesh admits that his family life and relationships suffered. Getting blackout drunk was a nightly affair, which left his wife paranoid of his infidelity, when in fact he was unconscious in a ditch somewhere. He wouldn’t remember the events leading up to the loss of consciousness, a form of anterograde amnesia. Eventually, his wife takes out a Personal Protection Order (PPO) against him, the Singaporean variant of a restraining order.
The spiral into full throttle addiction isn’t a pretty sight. Just being in the presence of his drinking buddies would catalyse a night of binge drinking, invariably followed by a hangover in the morning made all the more unbearable by guilt over the slow rot of his cherished relationships. Work performance suffered, many a medical certificate was sought, culminating in joblessness.
Dr Jacob explains that addiction leads to productivity impairments at work. A sure sign of dependence is the need for a drink in the morning to curb tremors and imbibe him with enough energy to perform as a barely functioning alcoholic. Day drinking and surreptitious alcohol breaks are common. When in active addiction, one’s happiness (in the form of craving relief) takes precedence over that of others, and empathy goes out the window. Ramesh is reduced to a pitiable state, cajoling once close friends to spot him the occasional tenner – in their eyes, he is reduced to a shadow of his former self. Now jobless and without an income, he burdens his children with the restitution of his loans – he is now too functionally impaired to perform any meaningful work. His wife is now the sole breadwinner, and the guilt in his voice is apparent, even today.
Ramesh only manages to stop drinking for some length of time at 48 due to chest pains. After a successful heart bypass, he turns to drink again. Then comes the second bypass, which he sullies with an infection brought on by his inveterate drinking. Alcohol and heart medication should not be taken together, but his addiction blinds him to a sanguine truth. It is only after last-ditch surgery is performed that he cultivates some restraint, managing to abstain from drink when he recuperates for a month in the hospital. He is 68 when he finally gets into recovery.
All manner of physical ailments accompanies alcohol addiction. “From the head to the feet”, Dr Jacob says. The brain is atrophied such that fits, falls, bleeding, subdural hematomas and dementia become common. Liver cirrhosis brings about jaundice and bloody stool. Peripheral neuropathy, a feeling of pins and needles in the hands and feet arises from damage to nerves outside the brain and spinal cord. Even sexual performance suffers. If diabetes is comorbid, the body becomes much poorer at sugar control.
Dr Jacob recommends a ‘biopsychosocial’ model for treating alcohol addiction. “Bio” refers to medical treatment in the form of total abstinence (detoxification) and medication. “Psychosocial” refers to psychological counselling to treat addiction, medication to reduce cravings, and therapy sessions with the family. In short, a treatment model that aims to target likely risk factors for relapse.
Nobody takes their first drink and thinks, “This’ll be the death of me”. Fortunately, if people suffering from alcohol addiction take a step back and consider their mind, their physical body, and their loved ones, and combined with proper support and therapy, recovery is possible.
If you’ve been pottering around the Promises Healthcare’s ‘Our Team’ page, and are new to the world of mental health in that you’re considering making the leap to seeking help from a mental health professional, it’s our hope that this casual guide to demystifying the titles, designations and dizzying abbreviations that adorn each profile will point you in the right direction.
For starters, there’s one thing that each of our mental health professionals have in common. They all possess at minimum a Master’s level certification in their discipline, so you can be assured of all their competencies.
Psychiatrists
As we’ve shared in a previous article, a psychiatrist is at their core a medical doctor, which certifies them to prescribe neuropharmacological support – i.e., medication.
But of course, psychiatrists more often than not do indeed possess relevant counselling and psychotherapy certifications, because being well-versed in the craft of patient care in the mental health sector does help them delve deeper into the minds and psyches of their clients, and assist them in skilfully and empathetically overcoming boundaries that some clients may consciously or unconsciously put up that stymie the therapeutic process.
Prescribing the most effective neuropharmacological support is buttressed by the psychiatrist’s skill in interpersonal communication, both verbal and non-verbal. Psychiatrists often describe themselves as observers, but it goes without saying that navigating these one-on-one interactions requires input from their side of the desk. While you might think that psychiatrists have reached the peak of the career trajectory of a mental health professional, keep in mind that by no means should you think of a psychiatrist as the fount of all mental health knowledge. Think of the ‘helping’ professions encompassed in the form of a large tree, rooted in a common desire to help people in need and supported by a trunk of science and evidence based knowledge , from which grows different branches representing the many ways in which mental health professionals can help someone in need – certain disciplines are applied more rigorously in helping certain conditions or situations. This is why Promises is described on our page as a multidisciplinary team of mental health professionals. Your treatment plan is provided by our team, and under the shade of our tree, you will be prompted to reach for certain branches – but at the end of the day, it is your choice to pick the leaves which seem most lush to you.
Psychologists
Psychologists differ from psychiatrists in one key authority. They are not medical doctors, and therefore cannot prescribe you medication. You’ll notice that our stable comprises a good number of clinical psychologists – so, what exactly are they, and how can they help you? Clinical psychologists possess doctorate degrees in psychology, and are imbued with the ability to cater to clients who suffer from any number of the discombobulating disarray of mental health conditions which sadly, are still negatively stigmatised in society. Think schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, depression, and their ilk. A clinical psychologist can make a diagnosis for you, if you think you are suffering from a mental health condition. Using the tools in their arsenals which they are trained in, such as psychometric testing, intelligence testing, personality testing, and much more, their diagnoses are firmly rooted in evidence based science. You could then make the logical conclusion that if they deem your condition treatable with medication, they would refer you to a psychiatrist. There’s a lot of symbiosis going on in our clinic!
The difference between Counsellors & Psychotherapists
We’ll deal with counsellors and psychotherapists next, because the two fields are very much intertwined, aligned in some facets, while possessing in granular detail key differences. Counselling and psychotherapy are both broadly concerned with betterment of clients in need, and there is significant overlap in the goals of either mode of therapy. Now, on to the differences, which will help you better distinguish which leaf you’d like to choose. First, there is a temporal difference between the two in both the length of treatment and how far back into your life each mode of therapy delves into in order to solve your current issue.
Counselling, on one hand, tends to favour clients who are more self aware and sensitive to their emotions and thought processes, and need a helping hand in unpacking a recent difficulty or life altering experience that they wish to resolve. This is rather unlike psychotherapy, rooted in a humanistic tradition – some may refer to it as height psychology, a term which gained currency during the time of Abraham Maslow and his espousement of self-actualisation. Psychotherapy, in this sense, takes a long, lingering look at a person’s past, life changing experiences, deep seated traumas and neuroses, or any relevant factors – all to help a client gain mastery of self (self awareness) and challenge them to enact the necessary life changes that lead to self improvement. You might well think of counsellors more as “advisors”, and psychotherapists as the “life guides”. Of course, detract nothing from both disciplines – their practitioners chose their specialities precisely because they fit into their world-views and probably, because they thought that they were good at it!
How do you choose?
Of course, given the array of therapeutic modalities and mental health professionals, we understand that choosing the right leaves can be a bewildering experience. That’s why we feel it’s best that you browse the profiles of our therapists, read their biographies and see which of them you feel most comfortable seeing. In the near future, Promises Healthcare intends to refine and streamline your selection process by having a list of issues or conditions that you are having problem(s) with – your input will then guide you to the mental health professional in our team that is best equipped to deal with your issues. For now, take a deep breath, sit back, read, absorb, think with clarity about what you want to deal with, and pick one to make an appointment with. Choosing the right therapist isn’t a one hit wonder – it takes time and patience, but rest assured that we’ll do our best to help you in that regard.
As we come to the final stretch (hopefully) of the circuit breaker, we find ourselves in the race against time to find a cure or vaccine against COVID-19, not just for the Physical Health but also for Mental & Emotional Health too. Research from the areas of stress and disaster management (e.g. Reich, 2006) points to a few tried-and-tested strategies that might help to inoculate our minds against fear and distress.
The 4 ‘C’s against COVID-19:
Control
Loss of control is perhaps the single biggest contributor of stress in this current pandemic, on an individual as well as societal level. Things that we took for granted before – leaving the house, having a meal, hugging our children – have now been completely upended. On the global stage, this is also playing out in how world leaders are giving conflicting messages about what to do, and how to bring the situation “under control”.
Though we may not be able to look too far ahead into the future, one can still maintain some sense of predictability and control by setting small, short-term goals to get through the day or week. This can range from simple things like getting enough sleep, limiting exposure to the news, taking medications as prescribed, going for a short walk daily with the necessary precautions in place, prioritizing and completing one or two tasks on your to-do list.
Perhaps like me, you were filled with dread at the start of this Circuit Breaker, wondering how you were going to fit work, caregiving, cooking AND cleaning into a day, every day. Or perhaps you were optimistic that you were going to have so much time to read, exercise, bake, lose 5kg, write a novel or Marie-Kondo your entire apartment. Regardless of which mode you were in, it is likely that you have over-planned and overscheduled yourself in an attempt to regain some semblance of “normalcy”, “efficiency” and “productivity” à la pre-COVID days, only to feel disappointed in what you could reasonably accomplish.
Instead, consider scheduling just one or two activities a day which enhance both mastery as well as pleasure. Something like doing laundry may give you a sense of accomplishment, but not necessarily pleasure, whilst something like having a cup of bubble tea may make you feel good, but “accomplishes” nothing. Yet, both might be necessary to help you get through the day. By setting aside old notions of what it means to be in control, and paying attention to your current needs, you will be developing new routines and habits that fit with what is happening around you, not what you think should happen.
Connectedness
Isolation is the defining characteristic of COVID. It goes against the grain of what we, as humans, need and crave. This also sets COVID apart from other disasters, be it natural (e.g., earthquakes) or man-made (e.g. 9-11). In the aftermath of such crises, people typically rally together to provide aid, assistance and above all, human connection. Yet, we are being asked to literally distance ourselves now, if we care about someone at all. Many of my clients, who had limited social supports to begin with, feel even worse about reaching out to someone during these times as they think “everyone is going through a difficult time, I should not be imposing on others”. In fact, some clients have even reported being unwilling to “burden” their therapist at a time when they need to talk to someone most!
If you are someone struggling with social isolation, do consider giving these hotlines a call. Trained volunteers man these chatlines and can refer you for more specialized help if necessary. Think of it as your 3am friend. I have spoken to so many clients who, despite being surrounded by family and “friends”, admit that they do not feel safe enough to open up and be vulnerable in front of another. Ironically, it is sometimes easier to confide in a total stranger, than someone you know, whom you fear might judge you. In addition, many mental health professionals are also offering sessions and support groups online. On the other hand, if you are someone fortunate enough to have navigated these times relatively well, do consider taking the initiative to reach out to a friend, rather than assume that “if they need help, they will call”. This could make all the difference to someone in need. Even small steps such as saying hello to a neighbour, noticing that something seems “off” about your colleague and dropping a text to check in on him/her, or simply listening empathetically to someone can help promote a sense of connectedness.
Coherence
In psychotherapy, this is what we would call “meaning-making”. Years of trauma research have unveiled something interesting: that people who are exposed to the same traumatic event often have different responses and pathways to recovery. What is the key ingredient that differentiates these groups? The answer may lie in how one makes sense of, or develops a coherent narrative of what has happened. This is more than just about looking on the bright side, or trying to find the silver lining in all of this; to do so would invalidate our experiences of pain, grief and fear – grief over what used to be, and fear of what is to come.
Instead, let’s take a leaf from mindfulness and acceptance-based coping, which involves changing how one relates to these emotions, stressors or to uncontrollable events by remaining aware but non-judgmental. As some researchers have noted, the idea is not to strive to change, distract from, or otherwise suppress these emotions and responses. Rather, acceptance-based coping suggests that “it is possible to co-exist with realistic fears, to observe our reactions to them, stand apart from them, and weave a compelling narrative around what constitutes an adaptive response” (Polizzi, Lynn & Perry, 2020). Some guiding questions to help you clarify your personal values in the current context include:
What are some things that are important to you?
What makes you feel good, even when confronted with a situation you can’t fully control?
What do you want other people to say about you and how you responded at this time?
How do you want to remember what you did or didn’t do?
As a parent, I am completely overwhelmed by the demands of WFH (work from home) and HBL (home based learning). I found myself becoming resentful, even angry, with my children for “bothering” me with the simplest of things when I have ten other “to-dos” to check off my mental list. I snapped at them. I yelled at them. But then I realised that when all is said and done, my children aren’t going to care about whether I kept the house clean, or managed to bake them bread from scratch (I am seriously impressed by friends who are able to do all that, but there is no way I can and that’s fine too!). They are going to remember a stressed-out mother, who constantly brushed them aside with pleas of “not now”, “5 more mins”, “Can’t you see I’m busy?”. Is that what I want for them, for myself, for my family? Perhaps asking ourselves these questions can help us reframe our perspective, and allow us to view COVID through a slightly different lens. Yes, there are still chores to be done, work to get through, but I feel more centered knowing that this too, shall pass, that we are all allowed mistakes, and that each day represents a new opportunity to live as best as I can.
Compassion
This brings me to my final point, and perhaps the most important one of all – self-compassion. We are our worst critic, and when placed under stress, our negative thoughts become magnified a hundred-fold. These are what I call the 3 horsemen – the “should’ve”, “would’ve”, “could’ve” – voices in our head telling us we should know better, could do better, and would do better if only we were more focused, more patient, less tired, less angsty, etc. Take a step back from these voices, and give yourself permission to just be. Don’t be caught up with the past, or worry about the future, but just focus on your present moment. Be kind to yourself – what would you say to a dear friend who was in the exact same circumstance as you? If you can articulate loving words of kindness and compassion to a friend, why not do that for yourself? Acknowledge that these are all normal reactions in an abnormal time.
Taking the time, even 5 mins a day, to engage in some self-soothing activities is another way of showing compassion to the person who needs it most – you. There are numerous resources to help you fit in bite-sized mindfulness and self-compassion practices in your daily life. I used to regard this as “geez, another thing on my checklist of things to do!”, but you can adapt just one or two things that fit best for you.
These are by no means exhaustive ways of coping during exceedingly trying times, but a few key lessons from the past that still ring true today.
References:
Polizzi, C., Lynn, S.J., Perry, A. (2020). Stress and Coping in the Time of COVID-19: Pathways to Resilience and Recovery. Clinical Neuropsychiatry, 17 (2), 59-62. https://doi.org/10.36131/CN20200204
Reich, J. W. (2006). Three psychological principles of resilience in natural disasters. Disaster Prevention and Management: An International Journal, 15(5), 793-798.
This episode of En Ullae touches on psychosis. This case study was about a man who had developed schizophrenia and became obsessed with the ‘spiritual safety’ of his partner. The building tension served to demonstrate the dangers of ignoring the symptoms of psychosis, which his partner was predisposed to do, in her untoward position as the long-suffering partner in a dangerously unstable relationship. Dr Rajesh characterised psychosis as rooted in an unshakeable belief in false delusions – people who suffer from the condition are often willfully blind to reason, which he cautions against trying to impose on them when the time is inclement.
Prem, the unfortunate man with all the symptoms of hallucinatory schizophrenia, began to cast an evermore imposing spectre in the relationship, causing much distress to Rani. His delusions began to take such a toll on their relationship, with even the good tidings of a baby in the oven twisted into a string of abortion by Rani, afraid that he would bring harm to her and any prospective child she would bequeath upon them – he professed to see the child as a harbinger of doom, as the embodiment of the devil. Midway through the episode, the viewer is treated to the appearance of two ambiguous personalities – a man and a woman, whose blue lanyard faintly conveyed some sense of authority. We are left uncertain as to their actual responsibilities – they are at times quizzical, unwilling to manifest the “good cop, bad cop” trope. No matter, it is not the point of the episode to further entangle the convoluted plotlines – they serve as plot devices which encourage Prem’s own narrative to unfold – to the end, he remains stolidly convinced that his stabbing of Rani had taken her to a better place, the expression on his face almost beatific at times.
Dr Rajesh, at this point, sees fit to caution the viewer against harshly attributing homicidal tendencies to persons with psychosis. He presents the statistic that even less than 15% of homicides are perpetrated by people mentally unsound. Noting the prevalence of drug use and antisocial tendencies that colour this 15%, he confidently steers the viewer away from making too quick a conclusion – it is in everyone’s best interest to step back and evaluate statistics grounded in good science, instead of leaping to the easy conclusion that Prem was beyond rehabilitation.
Written by: Dr Mark Toh, Consultant Clinical Psychologist
It is a reality that we can choose our friends. If at times we find them annoying, we can always choose to make adjustments or even terminate the friendship if needed. But unfortunately, we cannot choose our family members. As such, it can be a challenging and sometimes very difficult situation when family members are emotionally unhealthy and they have not sought help to address their own difficulties.
Instead, by having to live with them as members of the same family, they become a regular source of mental distress. This can pose a particular burden for minors, or those still dependent on the difficult member as the financial source of living, or during the current coronavirus lock-down imposed by the government when family members are confined together. In some cases, especially when violence and harm is a possibility, these unhealthy members can become damaging or dangerous and more drastic action may need to be taken to promote safety.
For the child, this may be confusing if the source of difficulty from parents are due to attempts to parent or from inappropriate control. Or they may have siblings who like being bossy to their siblings. Here are some signs to consider in trying to differentiate healthy from unhealthy behaviours from difficult family members.
They are always blaming you while not accepting their own responsibilities.
Individuals who engage in unhealthy relational behaviours often have difficulty taking ownership for contributing to the problems that emerge between each other during disagreements or conflict. Their need to blame others is usually a defensive response against accepting their own guilt or responsibility for their fault or wrong in the situation.
They are always critical towards you.
Unhealthy family members also often present themselves as critical. This goes beyond a simple discussion to point out about errors if or when you or someone else has made them. But it appears more as a pattern or their habit in regarding you as a target of contempt. Words that undermine your character are often expressed. It is also often expressed regardless of the many accomplishments you may have achieved. It is often an expression of projection that reflects deep resentment or the unfulfilled wishes of the parent on a family member. Sometimes it is a resentment shared between both parents and projected on a child who they have identified as the “scapegoat”. The scapegoat in unhealthy families are usually children who are targeted for blame because the parents need to fault the child to avoid taking ownership of a problem.
They are dismissive of your feelings.
A healthier family is more prone to being encouraging or supportive especially in difficult times. But the unhealthy family member is often unconcerned of your feelings or even your opinion. The extent of their dismissal of you may show up as disagreement with you even if you are right. In severe cases, if you attempted to approach them to resolve a disagreement, they may even resort to convincing you as the problem. In this focus, they could convince you to see that you are the problem rather than to problem-solve in search of a solution that has mutual benefits.
They often make threats.
Physical altercations are not the only signs when the relationship or behaviour is unhealthy. Making threats especially when repeated is often employed as a means of control. This is going beyond anger which is a common feeling within long-term relationships. Anger is a sign when someone feels offended, frustrated or hurt. But the use of threats goes beyond anger to become an instrument of intimidation or domination, and a misuse of power. It is a common behaviour of abusive individuals.
They are controlling.
There is a difference between control from healthy parenting and unhealthy parenting. Healthy parenting is focused on what is in the child’s best interests. When discipline is exercised, it is done to facilitate learning for the child. In unhealthy parenting, control is displayed more because it is primarily attentive to the parents’ wishes and not in the best interests of the child. This is often expressed when the parent becomes forceful and induces fear on the child so that the parent can feel powerful or have his or her way. This control can also be applied between couples or siblings. The family member is expected to take the role of submission in their engagement for the controlling person to be pacified.
Additional signs for concern in this area is suggested by (a) prohibition of personal decision-making that is good for the family member, (b) issues of appropriate concern are denied from being raised for discussion, (c) material resources such as money or food are used to manipulate the family member towards submission, (d) there is direct restrictions into personal choices pertaining to clothes, appearances, spending, friendships, or even use of time, and (e) there is an opposition towards the family member becoming independent, to be separated from the unhealthy individual, or for the family member to be individuated (mature to become their own person) over time. Between couples, a controlling spouse is often violating the boundaries of his or her spouse. It is as if the controlled spouse is not allowed to be free to exercise his or her own choices.
They confuse punishment with discipline.
Discipline is the means to teach someone to abide by a code of conduct, or correction for a child to learn right from wrong. But for the unhealthy individual, punishment or discipline occurs when there is no lesson to be learned. It shows up usually because the person is unhappy for some reason. Their need to lash out is their attempt to vent out their anger or rage even if it becomes hurtful to others, and they feel justified conducting themselves this way. At other times, this punishment is expressed through passive aggressive behaviours when “silent treatment” is employed instead of yelling or shouting. Or the punishing behaviour is excessive and disproportionate to the action or event.
Unhealthy parents take sibling rivalries or ‘misbehaviour’ to the extreme.
This usually occurs when the unhealthy parent is resentful of all his or her children. They may feel that having children (or marriage) have become a personal cost to them because of the responsibilities required for the care of the children. They feel prevented or deprived of their freedom and so the children or family member are to blame. Or this could show up with a parent showing favourites to one child over the others. In the course of sibling rivalry, the unhealthy parents is revealed by (a) blaming one child more severely over the other and consistently, (b) humiliating the scapegoated child, or (c) the unhealthy parent experience the sibling rivalry or conflict as a personal or vindictive act against the parent.
Strategies for Coping with Unhealthy Parents or domineering spouses and/or siblings
It may be a sad reality that parents can consider themselves parents simply because the infant is born following his or her physical birth. But beyond the biology, the emotional maturity, readiness or mental health can often be found lacking in parents to create the healthy conditions for the infant to develop or thrive. Controlling family members who are narcissistic in nature are also more interested in their control than the well-being of others. When family members regularly display the above behaviours, there is a need for concern. Given the potential for mental distress, developmental disruption and suffering, the following strategies may be essential to assist in coping.
Know that you are your own person.
Although you may share some traits or the same family name with your parents, remember that you are not 100% of the same people who raised you. If you recognise that your parents are emotionally unhealthy, understand that you do not need to follow their same values or behavioural patterns. When you realise that you have been hurt by them repeatedly and their use of authority serves their own interests over your needs to develop in a healthy way, be ready to break away from their self-serving values to work towards a healthy development for yourself. Explore to find healthy models of functioning among others to seek their influence over your lives rather than what is practiced at home.
Create space for your own emotions to nurture your own sense of self.
The unhealthy parent, spouse or sibling often do not respect your personal boundaries. They may deny your personal space or your feelings because they are preoccupied with their own. They may not discuss matters out or they may attempt to deny an essential part of who you are. While they deny how you may feel in their relationship with you, this does not mean you cannot acknowledge or express your own feelings by blogging or journalling.
Find supportive relationships elsewhere.
When your family members have made themselves unapproachable, you can turn to others for support instead. Friends, teachers, counsellors, or colleagues are often available to relate to who engage with a healthier appreciation for you. You do not need to go through difficulties alone. So find a support system from those who appreciate you for who you are and who value you in the person you can become.
Understand that your parent, spouse or siblings may have narcissistic tendencies or a self-serving biases so set your expectations low in conversations with them.
Unhealthy parents, spouses or siblings highlight the need to understand mental illness. Having to engage family members who have already discounted you, or hold you in contempt is often more reflective of them than of you. For this reason, understanding if they have a narcissistic or anti-social personality or tendencies is useful to recognise their biases. You may wish to have deep, meaningful or respectful conversations with them. But since this is not possible for those who are narcissistic or anti-social in nature, keeping exchanges brief and light is best to minimise stress or conflict.
Be prepared to employ diversion tactics in conversation.
Being diversionary may not be appreciated in social circles. But if your family member is controlling or looking for conflict, having a mutually respectful conversation may not be possible. As such, their attempts to dominate or argue can be diverted. For example, if they choose to criticise your choice about what you bought, you can note their comment while affirming your choice. Then this can be followed up by you changing the topic. This may allow you to have some control while you may be under attacked.
Recognise the traits that make you an easy prey.
For some, the need to dominate can be influenced by their perception that you have difficulty standing up for yourself. Their view that you are unable to be firm in protecting yourself may appear as an invitation to them to bully or dominate. Learning to stand your ground will help to establish yourself as deserving of respect.
Expect their angry response but do not surrender to it.
Your attempts to hold your ground or establish personal boundaries may be seen as a threat to the controlling parent or spouse. They see it as a challenge to their need to dominate or control. As such, anger can be employed as their weapon. It is important to not be paralysed by the person and to remember that you still have power. This power may not be accepted by them but you have power nevertheless. You can continue to pursue what is clearly in your best interests despite the threats and anger they express. Choosing the right timing to pursue your interests with them may be required. Or being able to refer to the credibility of someone else with authority on the subject may be helpful to borrow these views to help you to hold your position.
Aim to be self-sufficient and independent.
The need to establish your healthy sense of self and personal integrity is important. Your own mental health depends on it. In the face of parents or family members who are clearly focused against your best interests in pursuit of their own interests, you can set goals to be financially independent in order to become autonomous with what is needed to establish your own integrity and identity. Unhealthy parents often employ money as a means of keeping the child dependent. As such, learning to budget and be self-financing will help to establish your independence from them.
Do not accept abusive behaviour and the effects of it.
Recognising the signs of mistreatment from abusive parents, spouses or siblings should allow you to feel the anger you have reason to feel. Often these people may also engage in seduction or manipulation to downplay their dysfunction and hide their mistreatment of you. Being able to recognise their self-serving bias and the potential damage that this can create is important to not allow them to justify it. If their mistreatment is justified, it is more likely that you could minimise the damage and practice it yourself.
If the abuse is persistent or violent, be prepared to get help and seek shelter and protection outside the family.
This is hard to do for children but the sad reality is that some parents are poorly prepared to parent or they are mentally ill when they decided to have children. It is a sad and tragic reality that children have died from neglect, abuse or mistreatment while in the hands of their parents or caregivers. Children have been starved, exploited, tortured in the hands of violent, mentally ill parents. This has also occurred between couples as indicated by one spouse being regularly abused by another. Abuse can be physical, emotional and/or sexual, and they can happen between couples and on children within a marital or family system. If only one parent is aggressive or violent, the other parent has to be prepared to seek shelter to protect themselves or their children. If in the case of one parent being violent and the other parent ignores the child being abused, the children need to be protected from both parents.
This article is a call to alert those who may be suffering within families. Tragically, there are hidden dangers that vulnerable family members may be exposed to. They may already be suffering in subtle or obvious ways at the hands of unhealthy, abusive or emotionally damaging family members. Our collective concern for the weak calls out for us to be sensitive to when this danger is present within our community to protect the vulnerable among us.
References:
Faubion, D. (2020, Apr). Toxic family dynamics: the signs and how to cope with them.
Chen, C. (2015, Feb 25). What to do when the toxic people in your life are (unfortunately) your parents. The Huffington Post.
Streep, P. (2016, Dec 14). 8 strategies for dealing with the toxic people in your life. Psychology Today.
Thorpe, J. (2015, Sep 18). 7 tips for dealing with toxic parents. Bustle.
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