Breaking Free from the Tentacles of Addiction as a Family Unit

Written by: Juliana Pang, Addictions Therapist

Confronting the problem of addiction is almost always daunting and exhausting. The layers of complexities increase tenfold when the family system is also trying to preserve its stability and normal functioning despite the disruptions that addiction brings.

Family members are often exasperated that the usual admonishments of “how could you do this to…?”, “why can’t you see that you are hurting…?” or “how long do you think you can keep doing this…?” seem to bounce off the walls. No amount of shaming, guilt-laying or threats seems to wake the affected person up to see the realities of the wreckage that has been inflicted on the family.

What is Addiction?

Fundamentally, this approach does not work due to a miscomprehension of what addiction is. Addiction is neither a moral issue nor is it a flawed character problem which can be corrected.

According to the American Society of Addiction Medicine:

“Addiction is a treatable, chronic medical disease involving complex interactions among brain circuits, genetics, the environment, and an individual’s life experiences. People with addiction use substances or engage in behaviours that become compulsive and often continue despite harmful consequences.”

Addiction is a disease. As a family member, it is important to recognise that “you did not cause the disease, you cannot cure it and you cannot control the outcome of the disease”. The person affected needs to learn to manage their own recovery and family members need to learn effective responses towards the affected person to support the recovery of the family system.

Recovery is a life-long process that may and often include a series of relapses both on the part of the individual and on the family system.

How Does One Know When Addiction Strikes?

Symptoms of addiction are manifested by:

Compulsion – an absolute and overpowering urge towards substance use or behaviour.
Craving – an increase in usage and/or frequency to a point of necessity for survival.
Control – loss of ability to manage manner of use, to reduce or to stop.
Consequences – the use or behaviour continues despite relationship, work, school, legal and money problems.

How can Family Members get the Affected Person into Treatment?

The first step to bringing the affected person towards professional help can either motivate or unsettle the recovery process.

As professional therapists working in this field, we witnessed many instances where one of the first steps by family members would be to call the authorities. This is a painful first step that often inflicts hurt on both the affected person and the family member. The outcome could turn out to be a sharp wedge between family members which may take a long time for repair and reconciliation. Many a time, the affected person may attempt to run and hide, taking them even further away from the treatment help that they need.

The next most common first step is an intervention. This is a meeting convened to confront the person affected and interventionists may include family members, close friends and/or religious leaders. Each member shares with the person about their observations of specific negative behaviours and how these behaviours have affected them. The group then presents options to the target person and encourage the entry into rehab immediately.

An intervention is a double-edged sword. When done well, members expressed their love and care for the target person, while maintaining an uncompromising position about the person’s problem with addiction and need for treatment. When executed poorly, the target person receives a shock and feels a deep sense of betrayal from the group. The feelings of bitterness and resentment towards the whole intervention experience wipe out the initial good intentions. This, in turn, makes for poor motivation to accept and adhere to treatment. Trust towards the family system is broken which would likely take a long time to mend.

A 3^rd strategy is known as CRAFT – which advocates for positive communication, positive reinforcement and allowing for natural consequences to happen. This approach takes a longer time to implement and focus on identifying actions by the affected person which are helpful towards recovery, expressing empathy towards the person’s suffering and offering to work with the person to find a solution. An example of positive reinforcement could be to engage the person in activities within the family system that the person still values. The 3^rd aspect is counter-intuitive; to allow the person to bear the natural consequences of their actions, instead of covering up for them or trying to make everything “all right”. In so doing, the realities of the consequences of the addiction is experienced fully by the affected person which can create the turning point to seek treatment.

Is the Family’s Job Done When They Ship Off the Affected Person?

Addiction is a life-long recovery process and parallel to the individual’s recovery is the family system’s rebalancing process.

In broad terms, the individual’s stages of recovery are as follows:

Withdrawal – Detoxing
Honeymoon – Addiction Stops
The Wall – Protracted Abstinence
Adjustment – Working through Underlying Issues
Resolution – Acceptance of lifelong Abstinence

What is the Parallel Journey for the Family System?

Pre-treatment and Withdrawal

At the initial stage, the affected person will test the limits of the system by engineering and re-engineering their way to get to their addiction. A person in active addiction is usually not rational, nor are they conscious of the effect of their actions on others. There may be many false promises made in order to get to the addiction or manipulation of family system dynamics to garner support for their continued addiction.