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How To Get The Most Out Of Therapy

How To Get The Most Out Of Therapy

Written by: Andrew da Roza

Deciding to see a therapist is a big step – and staying in therapy requires a commitment to effect real change.   

It is not surprising that many hesitate before starting therapy. 

Some may be wondering how talking to a stranger can change their lives for the better. 

They may not know which therapist they ought to approach – and what they should be looking for in a therapist.

Others may hesitate because they are anxiously thinking ahead: “what happens if I don’t like the therapist?”; “what if the therapist doesn’t understand my struggle?”; “what if I don’t think that enough progress is being made?”.

They may also be wondering if they can change their therapist and if they can have more than one therapist. 

If you are struggling with these questions, thankfully, there may be some answers that put your mind at rest and give you the confidence to seek a therapist and engage in the healing process. 

 

Choosing the Therapist – The Qualifications 

Most clients can articulate why they wish to seek therapy – and have clear ideas about what is causing them distress or difficulty.

Clients with clinically diagnosable mental illnesses may have already sought help from a family member, friend, doctor, psychiatrist or religious leader. They may have even “Googled” their symptoms.  

If specialist help is needed, choosing a therapist with the relevant qualifications and experience will be the first step. 

In addition, you may wish to choose a therapist you are more likely to be comfortable with based on the therapist’s language ability, gender, culture and so on. 

 

What should I look for in a Therapist?

Research has shown that the positive connection a client makes with their therapist accounts for 36%-50% of the changes clients experience as a result of treatment. (1)(2) 

Sometimes called the “therapeutic alliance”, this is experienced by clients as liking and trusting their therapist.  

Some will bond strongly with therapists if they demonstrate empathy, warmth, unconditional regard and respect. They would like their therapist to be open, non-judgmental and curious about the clients’ struggles – to have a strong desire to “walk in the clients’ shoes”. 

Such clients make good progress in therapy when they feel understood and heard – as well as valued. 

Others may seek therapists who are good communicators and are well informed about the issues the clients are facing. They tend to bond with therapists who are able to impart and discuss information; offer practical suggestions; articulate action plans, goals and timelines; and support the clients in their motivation to take action to effect positive change. 

Many also seek insights into themselves, their emotions, the ways they react to people or situations; and their perspectives and intrusive thought patterns. 

By being more present with what arises in themselves, they seek to take more control over their own lives – to respond to people and situations instead of habitually reacting to them – and to accept and let go what they cannot control. 

These clients appreciate therapists who can assist in self-discovery. Therapists who are able to help articulate their “inner worlds,” and to reframe them. Therapists who empower them to navigate this “world” with more ease and confidence by playing to their strengths, rather than dwelling on what they perceive as their weaknesses. 

Interestingly, studies have repeatedly shown that the type of therapy used for individual therapy (such as cognitive behavioral therapy, psychoanalytic or psychodynamic therapy, dialectical behavioral therapy, person centered therapy and so on) has only a marginal effect on the outcomes of therapy (3)(4)(5).     

So, the key to choosing a therapist involves articulating what you expect from therapy and your therapist, and what kind of person you think will best meet your emotional and other needs. 

It would be helpful to articulate what you want the therapist to do (and not do); and what your end goal or “vision” for therapy is. You can do this by first asking yourself the question: “what changes am I seeking that will make a real positive difference in my life?”. 

Many benefit from putting all this in writing and bringing it to the first therapy session to discuss it with the therapist. 

 

Beginning Therapy – And then Changing the Therapist 

On the first meeting with a therapist, some clients – though this may be rare – simply do not like or trust the therapist, or that they do not have the experience or knowledge to assist them.

It also sometimes happens that a client feels that the therapist is not present or really hearing the client’s narrative. 

Worst still, they may see the therapist jumping to conclusions – or solutions. They may feel disrespected and “unheard” – and that they are being left behind, while the therapist is “racing” ahead of them. 

Other clients may feel that the therapist is judging them or telling them what to do, think or feel – and not to do, think or feel. The clients may feel anxious, disempowered, dismissed, angry or offended. 

If this happens to you, let your therapist know. If you don’t see any change in their approach, rest assured that changing therapists is likely to be helpful. 

 

Changing Therapists Along the Way 

One situation that you may wish to avoid though, is changing therapists regularly. This is because continuity in therapy is one of the keys to progress. 

Therapy is very much a journey. 

Whether the goal is self-discovery, empowerment, executing action plans to change behaviour, building confidence, or managing anxiety or depression. The journey has stages, and keeping the same guide on this journey is likely to facilitate progress.

If you are in the middle of your therapeutic journey, and you wish to change therapists, it would be helpful to articulate clearly why you want to do this. 

Is the therapeutic bond broken – and cannot be fixed? Is there little or no progress in your clearly articulated goals? Have you changed the goals and discussed them with your therapist – and it is clear that the therapist will not be able to assist? 

Some clients simply feel that therapy has become “stale”; or they feel as though they are attending therapy to “tick the box” and to show others that they are willing and able to change. 

Whatever the reasons, write them down. Discussing them openly and honestly with your therapist is likely to help. 

If you wish to make a change, ask the therapist for a referral to another therapist, and give permission to the current therapist to brief the new therapist. You may wish to join in this discussion.  

This is more likely to ensure that your therapeutic journey continues without disruption. 

One situation you may wish to be conscious of, is changing therapists solely because the therapeutic work has become difficult. “Jumping ship” may not be the answer. 

There is no doubt that therapy can be very challenging – perhaps the most challenging thing you have ever done. 

The challenge could arise because the insights are uncomfortable (or even painful); the changes in behaviour require a lot of motivation to sustain; a change in perspective seems counterintuitive; or because the anxiety, intrusive rumination or low mood seem relentless.  

Changing therapists may not be the answer – and may simply delay or disrupt the difficult therapeutic work ahead of you.

It is likely to be more helpful to articulate these challenges, write them down and discuss them with your therapist.    

 

Having more than one therapist

Some clients may need more than one therapist. 

A client may have an individual therapist who assists the client on their own personal journey. 

They may also have a couples’ therapist to address their relationship with their partner. In that event, the therapist treats the couplehood as “the client” – and provides equal support to both parties and works towards their joint goals.  

Other clients may also have a family therapist to address the relationships within the family. Again, the therapist will see the family as “the client” and assist with the family goals.

Couples and family therapists tend to provide specific modes of therapy, which have proved effective for couples and families.  

In the case of individual, couple and family therapy, in most cases, it is generally considered unethical and a conflict of interest for one therapist to play all three roles. 

The therapist cannot best serve the client’s, couples’, and family’s interests while wearing all three “hats”. 

Once a therapist tries to do this, they may (for example) feel obliged to keep secrets from one person in the couplehood or others in the family. This may reinforce the unhealthy dynamics of secrets and deceit that brought the clients to therapy in the first place.

Conflicts of interest create confusion, anxiety, anger and disappointment for clients. 

Keeping to ethical boundaries is more likely to ensure that the therapeutic journey is not sabotaged. 

Unethical conflicts of interest also arise if a client is seeing two different individual therapists.

Broadly, therapists are obliged to decline to see a client if they already have an individual therapist they are actively working with. 

Having two therapists engaged in the same work exposes clients to confusion, anxiety and conflict, and is likely to disrupt a client’s progress in their therapeutic journey. 

If you are considering seeing two therapists for individual therapy, it would be helpful to clearly articulate why you think this will assist – and to discuss this openly with the therapists.

Some clients may change therapists to “find the right answer”; the “best answer”; or the answer that fits their “view of the world”. That “view” may be the same “view” that has been causing them the trouble – and motivated them to seek therapy in the first place. 

All this is worthy of open and honest discussion and exploration. 

Another situation in which other therapists may be involved occurs when a client has an individual therapist and also attends group therapy. Group therapy can be a very effective way to continue the therapeutic journey, once progress has been made in individual therapy. 

Again, therapists commonly use specific modes of therapy for groups. 

 

Working with Multiple Therapists 

If you are working with multiple therapists, it is helpful to let them know who else you are working with, and what goals you (e.g. as an individual, couple or a family member) have agreed to pursue with the other therapists.

From time to time, it will assist to share with your therapists what you took away from the other therapy sessions, how the sessions are progressing and what plans you have agreed with the therapists.

It is always open to you to ask the therapists to communicate with each other and to coordinate treatment. 

It is also your right to maintain confidentiality and not to coordinate treatment – but “dovetailing” these different therapy sessions is more likely to help optimize your outcomes.

The Promises Healthcare website provides assistance to clients to identify their issues and provides photographs, names, languages, qualifications and experience of the specialists who can assist: https://promises.com.sg/about-us/our-team/

We hope that you will be able to find the right help from us.

 


  1. Horvath, A.O., Del Re, A.C., Fluckiger, C., and Symonds, D. (2011). Alliance in individual psychotherapy. Psychotherapy, 48, 9-16. Doi:10.1037/a0022186
  2. Duncan, B. (2014). On becoming a better therapist – evidence-based practice one client at a time. (2nd Ed.) Chapter 1, pp.23-24. The American Psychological Association, Washington DC. 
  3. Stiles, W.B., Barkham, M., Mellor-Clark, J., & Connel, J. (2008). Effectiveness of cognative-behavuoural, person-centred and psychodynamic therapies in the UK primary-care routine practice. Psychological Medicine, 38, pp 677-688. Doi:10.1017/S0033291707001511
  4. Benish, S.G., Imel, Z.E., & Wampold, B.E. (2008). The relative efficacy of bona fide psychotherapies for treating post-traumatic stress disorder: A meta-analysis of direct comparisons. Clinical Psychological Review, 28, 746-758. Doi:10.1016/j.cpr.2007.10.005. 
  5. Duncan, B. (2014). On becoming a better therapist – evidence-based practice one client at a time. (2nd Ed.) Chapter 1, pp.9-12. The American Psychological Association, Washington DC. 
My partner may be a Porn Addict – What should I do?

My partner may be a Porn Addict – What should I do?

Written by: Andrew da Roza, Addictions Therapist, Sex Addiction Specialist

With the introduction of the fast speed Internet, a new addiction was born – Internet porn addiction. 

One client who has fallen down the “Rabbit Hole” of porn addiction reports: 

“I saw porn in Manga mags and comics when I was in my early teens and occasionally saw a porn mag. 

It wasn’t until the fast speed Internet came in and I could stream videos on my mobile phone and iPad, that I started to watch it regularly. After a year or so, I started to watch it every day at home, when I was alone. 

Later on, I started watching it in the bathroom of the office; then at my desk, and finally, in public places and on public transport – I am amazed I wasn’t caught by someone!”

Some clients come to therapy to kick the porn habit because they recognize that they have a problem. They have been “caught” multiple times by their partner – always promising to stop. 

Or they may have inadvertently left sites open on the family computer. Some even get called in by HR at work and asked to explain the hundreds of times they have logged into porn sites, which the IT department has uncovered.   

Others don’t see they have a problem – even when their experiencing porn-related erectile dysfunction, anejaculation, or loss of libido and intimacy with their partners and spouses. 

They may simply consider this distressing, though natural, change in their relationship – a product of familiarity and boredom.  

As it turns out – they may be quite wrong – because there is nothing “natural” about porn. It’s toxic and it can effectively hijack intimate relationships, which could otherwise have been healthy and fulfilling.

Clients with porn use compulsivity often say:

“I wouldn’t have come to therapy unless my partner had given me an ultimatum – “get help or we break up!”.

And it’s also common to hear: 

“At first I thought I would just see a therapist once or twice to appease her, and let her know I want us to stay together”. 

However, after discussing in therapy how long a client has been using porn, how frequently they were using it, where they were using it – and the type of porn they have digressed to watching – they often realize all the risks they are taking with their relationships, marriage, families, and their jobs or their studies.

One client reports:
“the therapists gave me a detailed questionnaire. I was staggered by the report that came out. Seeing my behaviour over the last few years, what motivated me to do it, and how it changed me and my relationships, I became really worried.”

“I hadn’t realized that because of porn, I was losing interest in sex with her, I wasn’t present for my family, and I was getting irritated, restless and discontent at home and at work.

I thought that my problem with my sex drive and erections was our relationship – not the porn.”

These revelations, and many more, may be tough for a person with porn compulsion but at least they may be motived to take recovery actions. 

But what about the partner or spouse? They may be feeling frustrated, angry, fearful and ashamed. They may be devastated. 

They may be confused when friends, relatives and the community at large believe that porn is the “new norm” and that “boys will be boys”. 

What can they do? 

While relationships are all as different and unique as the people in them, there may be some common actions that spouses and partners may wish to consider. 

These include:

  • Attend therapy with the person who has porn use compulsivity – and learn about Internet porn addiction. How it arises; what it looks like; is the behaviour compulsive – or is it a moral issue, a lack of discipline, selfishness – or have they just stopped loving or desiring me?
    In a couples’ session, you can also learn what the recovery actions are, what it takes to succeed in recovery, and how you will know that he is in recovery – and will he ever do it again?

 

  • Read about porn addiction and how porn changes the brain. There are many good websites with excellent information. Fight the “New Drug”, “NoFap”, and “Your Brain on Porn” are but a few sites with good articles and videos. Robert Weiss, Paula Hall and Stephanie Carnes also have helpful YouTube videos.   

 

  • Insist that your partner initiates a regularly weekly couples’ check-in session; in which he shares: what actions he taken in his recovery that week and what he has learned; what actions he hasn’t done and why; what he will do next week; and what help he needs from you – and you always have the right to say “no”, or “yes, but…”. 

 

  • Judge his recovery only by his actions – not by his promises, intentions, desires or apologies. What he says is important – but what he actually does, is definitive.    

 

  • Create physical, emotional, spiritual and sexual boundaries with him – and have consequences that you apply – without fail – whenever those boundaries are breached. 

   

  • Stay connected with others about how you are doing and don’t isolate – but be cautious who you tell about his porn compulsion; only choose a few trustworthy friends or relations. Do not talk to everyone, including your children, when you are angry, in a rage, frustrated – or to retaliate – you are very likely to regret it later.If you think an age-appropriate disclosure is beneficial for the children, work on a script together; and allow the person with the porn compulsion to deliver it. It is their responsibility to hold themselves accountable for their actions.

 

  • Take really good care of yourself. Treat yourself kindly and compassionately.  Eat three healthy meals a day; sleep seven to eight hours; exercise regularly; take up yoga, Tai Chi and meditation. There are a wealth of Apps and YouTube videos out there – Calm, HeadSpace and Insight Timer are popular meditation Apps. Spend time with friends and family; take up new interests and hobbies – seek to relax and allow joy into your life. 

 

  • Porn blocking software administration. If you are open to it, you may be asked to be the security administrator for the porn blocking software that will prevent porn from being seen on his devices and the family computer. Consider carefully whether this would cause you more distress – or whether you wish to support him by ensuring that the security blocking software is in place.  

 

  • Consider seeing your own therapist – sometimes porn and deceit can be felt as profoundly as a relationship betrayal. It takes time and help to get through the trauma.Some partners feel shame, and some question whether they are the cause of the porn compulsion. Some partners are confused and devastated by all the lies and deceit. They don’t know what is real anymore. Talking to a supportive therapist can help you through this.

 


Photo by Grzegorz Walczak on Unsplash

Addictions in the Digital Age: Technology – The Accelerator of both the Problem and the Solution

Addictions in the Digital Age: Technology – The Accelerator of both the Problem and the Solution

Written by: Andrew da Roza, Addictions Therapist, Sex Addiction Specialist

Ever since people first crushed and fermented grapes, the dark hand of alcoholism has been present. When the first games of chance and competition were born – so too was the addiction to gambling.  

We can well imagine that abusing cannabis came, even as it was used for medicinal and religious purposes in the 3rd millennium BC. 

And breathing in the toxic smoke from burning tobacco was a daily human habit, well before Christopher Columbus landed in the Americas in 1492 and brought it back to Europe. 

But now, in our digital age, technology has accelerated our addictions.

And the stress and isolation brought to us by COVID-19 have pushed many to addictions they never thought they had.  

Alcohol and cigarettes can be delivered to our doors from digital orders placed on mobile phones. The Dark Web and chemistry have conspired to create hazardous new psychoactive substances that pose as cannabis, available with a few keystrokes on a laptop. An Internet poker or roulette game can be found 24 hours a day, every day of the year. The Internet has sped us down the path of over-shopping, over-eating, and over-playing competitive games.

Ever adaptable and flexible, the Internet has even created new addictions – such as Internet pornography and anonymous sex “dating”. 

If we are unlucky enough to fall down these digital “rabbit holes”, what are the results? Alice’s Wonderland? Or: failing health and finances; anxiety; depression; isolation, fractious and failing relationships, lost schooling and jobs; self-harm; and suicidal thoughts. “Jails, institutions and death” – as Alcoholics Anonymous warn us. A life without meaning, purpose or dignity.

But just as addictions have been accelerated by technology and new ones invented, technology has also enabled us to make recovery more convenient, available, cheaper, effective, and timely. 

The longest journey for people suffering from addictions has been from the “bottle” to the therapy room. Any number of “barriers” stood in the way. Not enough time, not enough money, not enough knowledge of which therapist to see or what recovery involves. 

But the biggest barrier of all to entering recovery was shame.

Now, therapy can be done on the Internet: information about therapists can be Googled; prices compared; social service agencies offering low-cost therapy or even free therapy can be found, and rich information and video testimonies on the recovery journey can be reviewed.  

Best of all, Zoom therapy can be conducted with a therapist “once removed” from the personal space of the client by computer screens – and in the comfort of the client’s own living room or bedroom. Clients could even maintain much of their anonymity. In this safe space, shame may deign to take a back seat.

With digital recovery free from barriers, even if the sufferer is still reluctant to seek help, they may be more inclined to reflect on why they remain reluctant to get and receive help. If they do start to reflect honestly – they have started their first step on their recovery journey. 

But more can be done with digital recovery. 

I would submit that the next significant step in using the Internet to accelerate recovery is to bring the therapist to the clients where they are – on the sites that feed their addictions and perpetuate their suffering.

A therapist could join as a “player” in Animal Crossing, Fornite, a poker or roulette game. They can then engage suffering players in unthreatening and therapeutic conversations. Perhaps PornHub will produce an avatar “ambassador” – a therapist who guides users through a porn compulsiveness assessment? Perhaps the GrabEats avatar therapist will help customers with alcohol and calorie counts, consumption and portion control, alcohol use and dietary information – and motivational conversations to help customers build their resolve.     

Engaging suffering people in their digital space opens a whole new avenue for the helping professional to guide someone towards a path of meaning and purpose.

Therapists may wish to think “Digital” – and harness the power of technology to enrich people’s lives – even if technology can also impoverish them. 


Photo by Taras Shypka on Unsplash

Treat Smokers with Compassion – Why Quit Smoking is so tough

Treat Smokers with Compassion – Why Quit Smoking is so tough

Written by: Andrew da Roza, Addictions Therapist

To non-smokers and those who have an occasional cigarette at a party or outside a bar, it is baffling why smokers just can’t simply quit. What’s the big deal?

If you think this, then the conclusion may be: “well they just don’t want to quit”; or “they are uneducated, and don’t know how much damage they’re doing to themselves and those around them”; “they have no conscience” or “they have no self-control”. 

The problem with these conclusions is that the scientific evidence doesn’t support them. 

70% to 80% of smokers want to quit – and many of them desperately want to quit – and most smokers fail.  

A majority have tried to quit multiple times – and about 40% are still drawn to smoking -even after losing fingers and toes to gangrene, or lungs to cancer and COPD, as a result of smoking. Many suffer heart attacks, mouth, throat and colon cancer, or labour under serious diabetes problems; some even lose their close relationships with their families. 

They wish that if only they could quit, their lives would be so much better – yet they continue to smoke. 

So, there is more to the compulsion to smoking than meets the eye. 

Perhaps kindness and compassion for smokers may be a more rational reaction – than dismissal, frustration, irritation, anger or contempt?    

There are very good reasons why the chemicals in cigarette smoke are so compelling – and it’s to do with our brains and our bodies. It’s not a mystery.  

Although nicotine in the smoke is a comparatively benign substance, and it doesn’t cause the damaging effects of the other harmful substances in the smoke – it is highly addictive. It is the nicotine that causes the addiction – but it is the tar and other substances that cause the damage. 

In addition to nicotine, there is another substance, in smoke, that creates a potentially “pleasant” psychoactive effect.  It is a monoamine oxidase inhibitor – which results in chemicals in the brain staying longer in the space between neurons and firing those neurons.

And the effect the smoker feels? Well, there can be numerous combinations of “positive” effects. 

Those smokers who feel down, moody and unmotivated, may feel a pleasant “lift” or “boost”. Anxious, fearful and nervous smokers, may feel calmer, and more able to think straight. Smokers who are tired, sleepy or lethargic, may be able to focus, concentrate and pull themselves out of their procrastination.  

Smoking helps some people become more energetic, have better reactions times and become more effective or efficient. Smoking enables people who are mentally tired with work or constant rumination, to feel like they are taking a break and “relaxing” from their thoughts. They can just let their minds gently wonder. They may even feel that after their “reverie” with a cigarette, they have managed to solve a problem that they have been grappling with.

Some people use smoking as a bonding experience. Ironically, all the community stigma that surrounds smokers makes some feel like a “band of brothers and sisters”, as they stand outside in smoking areas or in smoking rooms. It enables instant connection and the sense of “belonging”.

In short, the effects of smoking depend on how you are feeling in the moment. 

Insidiously, mental illness and other addictions result in many becoming vulnerable to smoking – either to cope with: their illness; the difficult side effects of their medication; and the social stigma against mental illness addiction that so oppresses and shames them. 

By way of examples, ADHD, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, anxiety and major depressive disorders, and personality disorders, can all result in life-long suffering – that smoking may appear to “take the edge off”.  

There is now persuasive research that some people are more genetically susceptible to being addicted to cigarette smoke. They may get more of a “buzz” from it, they may be more tolerant to its side effects, the effects may wear off faster, and they may feel the withdrawal effects (when not smoking) more keenly. They may have more trouble starting to quit – and staying quit. 

There are many other vulnerability factors as well: adverse childhood events (which afflicts 2 out of every 3 Singaporeans); traumas; family and peer modelling; rebelliousness, isolation and loneliness, financial distress, problems in relationships and at work; and many more factors, may all conspire to lead smokers to smoke daily. 

Once they smoke enough cigarettes for long enough – the brain changes, it becomes “hijacked” by the smoke.  

Smokers experience brain changes as: 

  • Tolerance – the need for more smoking, more often, to get the same effect;
  • Withdrawals – 45 minutes to two hours after smoking, they may feel the exact opposite of what they felt when they smoked – and therefore need a cigarette to feel “normal”;
  • Impulsiveness – in the moment (of smoking), they forget about the harms of tobacco and their resolves to quit, and habitually light up;
  • Smoking triggers – smoking cues are everywhere – and they trigger the urges and cravings – and once these build up, they become overwhelming;
  • Stress – their stress response slowly but inexorably ratchets upwards, daily – so that even things that used to be experienced as minor, now elicit strong and intolerable emotions. If health, relationships, jobs and self-image are all on the line because of smoking – the stress can be intense. 

Luckily – there is a solution. Smokers now have access to psychotherapy, nicotine replacement therapy, quit smoking medication, and any number of other tools to help them on their quit journey. In other countries, new nicotine delivery technologies like e-cigarettes and heat-not-burn are being improved and refined – and they are much safer than smoking. 

Smokers deserve our respect and compassion in their struggle with cigarettes. And they don’t have to do it alone. So that the help-seeking and quit smoking load can be lightened. 

You can also hear more from Andrew at the 7th Asia-Pacific Behavioural & Addictions Conference (APBAM2020: Forum 1 – “Tobacco Harm Reduction: Myths & Realities).

 


 

Confinement (Circuit Breaker) Emergence and Mental Health: Be Kind To Yourself

Confinement (Circuit Breaker) Emergence and Mental Health: Be Kind To Yourself

Written by: Andrew da Roza, Psychotherapist, Promises Healthcare

As the COVID-19 confinement continues, you may have a nagging question on your mind – “what have I managed to achieve”?

Tidy, clean desk draws, closets, and glove compartments; a surprising proficiency in a new language; the final 100 pages of War and Peace; an impressive yoga position; a dazzling new magic trick?

Several weeks into the confinement in Singapore and with several weeks to go before we can be physically social with our friends, some of us may be deflated. 

When the confinement/circuit breaker started, we may have vowed to use all the new free time to do things we have never got around to doing. 

Now that time is gradually slipping by – we may think that we still haven’t accomplished our goals.

As a psychotherapist, I listen to many people starting to stress that this opportunity of more time isn’t panning out the way they imagined – and that critical voice in their heads is telling them they are inadequate and unworthy.

Feeling Stuck in Shame 

What I hear is the frustration of “stuckness.”   

Clients tell me: –

  • I must be more productive 
  • I should have achieved more since confinement began
  • I should be able to concentrate more and procrastinate less
  • I must have more enthusiasm, motivation and energy

Note the use of the words “should” and “must”. Our inner critic loves to remind us of all the things we should have done or must do.  

It is important to be compassionate to ourselves and banish these words from our vocabulary – at least for the time being.

We may have overestimated what we could achieve in confinement; and underestimated the power of the inner critic, worry and low mood. These are preventing us from feeling satisfied with what is. 

Perhaps we had the fond notion that confinement would be like a holiday – more rest, more family time, novel and interesting things to do, and relief from work and the other routines in life.

Reality may now be striking home. Anxiety about our jobs, income, and savings; fear about us and our loved ones contracting the virus; worry that food, masks, and other resources may be scarce; boredom at a routine in the cramped confines of home; the resurrection or development of old family dynamics, fraught with irritations, frustrations, disappointment, mistrust and anger. For some, isolation and loneliness may be an even more crushing weight.             

Reframing our Expectations

What will help is kindness – and, in particular, kindness to ourselves. 

Perhaps some of us are high achievers, driven by: concrete stretch goals, targets and objectives; KPIs; reports; numbers; test or exam scores. 

But COVID-19 confinement is not the time to measure yourself in this way. It’s like drinking soup with chopsticks – frustrating.

I recommend that we redefine productivity and measure our day by whether:

  • we have achieved an emotional connection with ourselves and others, 
  • ate healthily, 
  • slept well, 
  • got some exercise, 
  • meditated for a few minutes, 
  • did some yoga or Tai Chi, 
  • walked outside, 
  • read something (other than COVID-19 news or social media content); 
  • did something creative, like photography, videos, painting, made some music, baked something new; and 
  • spent “me time” – just sitting quietly, relaxing and enjoying being in the moment. 

 

This confinement is not a competition – so we do not need to compare ourselves against others. 

We must permit ourselves some numbing out to Netflix and videos – and not beat ourselves up if we eat some chocolate, cookies or chips. 

Let’s also be realistic and recognise that our routines will be different – and that we won’t accomplish the same things in confinement. We will have accomplished things – but they just won’t be the usual things.

Manage your expectations, be gentle with yourself and kind to others – and you will find that there is meaning and purpose to your confinement.   

 


Photo by Paolo Bendandi on Unsplash