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Winifred’s “Rules” for a Flourishing Marriage

Winifred’s “Rules” for a Flourishing Marriage

Written by: Winifred Ling, Couples Therapist and Relationship Coach

*This was first posted on her blog.

I made an analysis of the 10 Rules of Marriage that I found on the internet recently and received several requests for proactive and positive rules that couples can abide by.

Based on what I understand and practise as a relationship expert, I came up with Winifred’s 10 “rules” that I hope will encourage you to invest in your marriage or relationship. These rules are derived from the principles used in Gottman Method Couples Therapy as well as Applied Positive Psychology that I am skilled in.

While I call them “rules”, they are not cast in stone. Pick and decide with your partner on the rules that are most relevant to your current stage of relationship. Let’s dive in and look at each of them.

  1. Be a safe harbour to each other

What this means is that you will be the person that your partner will turn to for connection, support, comfort and love. There is intimacy and closeness when you can be your real and authentic self. You also prioritise each other when you make decisions. For this safe harbour to be strong, you make effort to safeguard the relationship by setting clear boundaries on rules of engagement with the opposite sex. You don’t take the marriage for granted. For couples who share the same faith, pray and grow your faith together.

  1. Adopt a growth mindset

Be willing to learn and change, recognising that there are skills that each of you can learn in order to deepen your relationship and connection. Instead of seeing your partner from your own perspective and forming your own conclusions, entertain the possibility of discovering new things about each other. Continue to work on being the best version of yourself for each other. Cultivate self-awareness so that you can continue to reveal your true self to your partner.

  1. Listen, summarise and validate

The first rule in listening to each other is that you’re not both talking at the same time! Unfortunately, I observe the contrary a lot in my couples. After a while, both persons are talking at the same time and no one is listening. Always take turns to speak. To ensure that you are truly listening, make sure that you are able to summarise and validate the point or position of your partner to his/her satisfaction. Always check to see if you’ve heard each other’s side of the story correctly. This is the foundation of good communication.

  1. Practice gratitude

Much research has shown the importance of gratitude not only in the formation of a new relationship but also in the successful maintenance of these intimate bonds. Additionally, the experience of gratitude enables you to feel closer to your partner thereby leading to a greater satisfaction in the relationship. When you are grateful for your relationship, you’re less likely to compare yourself or your partner with someone else. Learn to focus on what is good in your partner and the relationship will become stronger and deeper. Verbalise your gratitude to your partner frequently to minimise the feeling of being underappreciated.

  1. Do small things often

It is more important to show your care and love through tangible actions frequently rather than doing a grand gesture once or twice a year on special occasions. You strengthen the emotional connection between the two of you when you do small acts of service and love to your partner by sending a message to encourage him or her on a challenging day or to share in the joy of small wins. Identify your partner’s love language and show your love accordingly in a way that he or she can receive and appreciate. Thank each other regularly, affirm the virtues you admire in one another and be willing to apologise first to repair any regrettable incidence.

  1. Build a healthy love bank

A “love bank” is a collection of what makes you feel connected, cared for and valued by your partner. The concept is similar to a normal bank account where there are deposits and withdrawals. When you build more positive interactions with your partner, your emotional love bank account flourishes. You feel safe and secure. Even if you have a “withdrawal” (for example, a small argument), it doesn’t feel too threatening. You know that you have sufficient amount in that will not result in a deficit. When you notice that your partner or you are getting more annoyed and easily triggered,there is a danger that you may need an overdraft. For example, things that don’t usually bother you about your partner’s behaviour, irritate you now. Pay attention to it and put in effort to increase the emotional connection. Ways to increase your love bank include understanding your partner’s inner world, showing fondness and admiration, and turning towards his or her bids for connection. Repeat #3, #4 and #5. Be mindful not to turn this into a game of reciprocity where comparisons are made on who’s done more.

  1. Approach conflict with curiosity

The ability to regulate conflicts is critical to the success of a relationship. When you address your differences adequately, they are less likely to snowball into a massive conflict. When you find yourself in a different position from that of your partner, be curious and ask questions about his or her position so that you can deepen your understanding of your partner. What happens more often than not is an assumption is made that your partner is  making your life difficult by being oppositional or disagreeable. This perception is detrimental as you begin to assume the worst in each other. Those who are conflict-avoidant often find it challenging to regulate their own emotions and the emotions of their partner during conflicts. It’s important for them to learn the skill to call for a break so that they can self-soothe before continuing with the emotionally-charged conversation. When you are curious and re-frame your conflict as an opportunity to deepen your understanding of each other, the differences become less daunting.

  1. Be playful and laugh a lot

Recall the time when you first got together: there were easy conversations, plenty of laughter and fun. As you progress to different stages of the relationship, responsibilities and burdens will increase. As such, it is easy to slip into a routine and forget about having fun together. Cultivate and utilise your sense of humour as it is a good way to connect with your partner and to lift the mood when the going gets tough. Watch comedies, share jokes and funny stories so that you can laugh together. If you have kids, laugh with them too. Life is hard and it will be harder when we take everything too seriously.

  1. Support each other’s dreams

Couples who decide to be committed and marry each other usually have dreams in mind. When you are not intentional in having such an important conversation with your partner about their dreams, it is easy to be consumed by day-to-day tasks and activities that you forget the big picture. Take time to find out and revisit your partner’s dreams regularly. Initiate such conversations when you’d like to take a new direction in your life. You can enhance your relationship by creating shared meaning and dreams. Common ones include building a family and home together, finding a cause that’s meaningful for you to support, creating impact through the work that you do either professionally or in the community you serve. Discussion of such dreams is important as it will affect the decisions that you make as a couple and family.

  1. Accept influence and compromise

It is impossible to always find agreement between two individuals. Therefore being able to accept influence and compromise is key to the success of the relationship. Accepting influence is about developing your ability to find a point of agreement in your partner’s position. It is not about insisting that you’re right or finding evidence that your partner is wrong all the time. In accepting influence, it doesn’t mean that you need to change into someone you are not. You need to have a good sense of who you are at your core, and be sure to protect it so that you are not coerced into becoming someone else. If you make the decision to be the person that your partner needs you to be, accept your responsibility for that decision rather than blaming it on your partner. The challenge in accepting influence is really about relinquishing your control and preferences some of the time to prioritise the needs of your partner.

 

I’d really love to hear what you think of these “rules” and which might be the ones that you will focus on cultivating and practicing. Feel free to email me your thoughts and questions.

If you find this blog post helpful, you have my permission to share it with your friends and family.

Healing from being with a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Healing from being with a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Written by: Winifred Ling, Couples Therapist & Relationship Coach

Happily-ever-after is an ideal that many believe and pursue and numerous studies have suggested that the key to happiness lies in a thriving marriage. I am also convinced that when couples come together and decide to get married, they do not have the thought of a divorce on the horizon.  

To many, marriage is not a frivolous decision but one where he or she has deliberated and decided to entrust oneself to the other legally. Imagine the horror when shortly after the wedding bells, you discover that your spouse turned out to be someone that you don’t recognise and ends up hurting you so deeply that you wonder how you even got to this point: being romanced to being discarded. This is what it is like to be in a relationship with a narcissist. 

Let’s explore the traits of a narcissist. 

The following are the 9 official criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD):

  • grandiose sense of self-importance
  • preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
  • believes they’re special, unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions
  • need for excessive admiration
  • sense of entitlement
  • interpersonally exploitative behaviour
  • lack of empathy
  • envy of others or a belief that others are envious of them
  • demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviours or attitudes

In essence, a narcissist has an excessive sense of self-importance over and above the needs of others. There is a sense of grandiosity and arrogance; and a lack of ability to empathise and experience reciprocity within intimate relationships. They are typically charming and charismatic. The early stages of the relationship are almost always exhilarating, romantic, powerful and intense. Love-bombing is a tactic where NPD makes you feel so special and loved that you can’t help but fall deeper in love with him or her. Most narcissists only reveal their true colours when they are in conflict. And when you no longer serve their needs, they discard you from their lives or make it a living hell for you. 

Imagine the adverse and trauma that one experiences when you wake up one day and realises that the love you’ve received is not real and permanent. 

The following are the lasting psychological and emotional impact of being in a relationship with a person with NPD: 

  1. “I don’t know what is real anymore.”
    Survivors of persons with NPD have the inability to trust their own judgment. Because gaslighting is a key feature in this toxic relationship, they lose touch with what is the reality. Gaslighting is defined as a form of manipulation, emotional and psychological abuse that results in a slow dismantling of a victim’s self-trust and judgment.
  2. “It is all my fault. Everything I do is wrong. I trigger him/her. I deserve his/her anger.”
    Because a person with NPD will never assume responsibility for anything (they believe they do no wrong), they turn it around and project their emotions on the survivor. The survivor is the one who is over-sensitive and would ask irritating questions that trigger them to react. The consequence of this is that the survivors feel powerless and start to blame themselves for not being good enough for their partner.
  3. “I am worthless and deserve nothing
    From the constant criticizing and undermining from a person with NPD, the survivors begin to accept the narrative that they are the problem and suffer from low self-esteem. They may start to withdraw from their family and friends who are concerned and question the relationship. They also hide their partner’s behaviour and lie about it.
  4. “I am going crazy”
    This is related to point #1. Because a person with NPD constantly lie and intentionally say things that make the survivors question their reality, they start to think that they are crazy for having those questions. They feel confused and lost all the time.
  5. “I don’t know. I can’t decide. It will be wrong anyway.”
    They have great difficulty in making decisions because they start to believe that they can’t do anything right. This is the message that is drummed into them persistently and this could extend into other aspects of life, such as in their work.

 

One of the common frustrations that my clients, who have survived persons with NPD, have often expressed: ‘how is it possible that they missed the warning signs’. Because of the suffering that they have been through, they have asked for the warning signs to be shared so that more can be aware and watch out for them in their relationships. 

  1. Self-centeredness
    They believe that the world revolves around them. They are not able to empathise and therefore can only see from their point of view. When things do not go their way, they get very upset and may threaten to end the relationship. Everything is on their terms. For example, my client shared that when they were dating, the partner dictated when to meet according to his schedule. Not knowing better, she accommodated. That is a red flag. Also, when they no longer have use of the partner, they have no qualms to simply discard them by being emotionally unavailable, refusing to communicate and abandoning the partner.
  2. Frequent threats and emotional blackmail
    If you feel like you are perpetually walking on eggshells not knowing when your partner will explode on you, chances are he/she has NPD. Threats and emotional blackmail are their tools to control and get you to submit to their wants. E.g., Go ahead and leave, I never needed you anyway. I’ll tell everyone what a mean person you are.”
  3. They act entitled and rules don’t apply to them.
    They believe that their needs are more important than their partner’s. There will be no reciprocal gestures unless there is an ulterior motive to get what he or she wants. Because of the self-importance and arrogance, they believe that they can do as they please as long as they don’t get caught. They deserve special treatments.
  4. Obsessive focus on the external
    This applies to how they dress and carry themselves. Typically they are attractive, have material possessions and are of certain social status. They appear to be an excellent “catch”. They will go all out to inflate their status and standing. Another client told me that her husband, a covert narcissist, was charming and social. His real self only surfaced when they were on their own and when he felt threatened by her. This creates problems as people may not believe her when she tells her challenges.
  5. They are master manipulators and schemers.
    The key emotions that you feel when you’re with a narcissist are guilt, shame and confusion. The hallmark of a person with NPD is the inability and unwillingness to take responsibility for any action and word. Consequently, they project their emotions onto the survivors and make them feel guilty and responsible. They can also be verbally abusive and are good liars. They scheme and twist the words of the survivors to their advantage. They have no issue in making their partners the bad guy and spread rumours that paint themselves as the victim. The bottom line is this: they need to make themselves feel good at the expense of everything and everyone. When they don’t get what they want, they will withdraw either physically and /or emotionally from the partner. They may give the silent treatment, be passive-aggressive, stonewall and/or ignore the partner. At the end of it, the partner will accept the blame and promise to not upset them next time.
  6. They are hot, then cold.
    When they want something, they will go all out to get it. As such, in the early stages of the relationship or when they are on a mission to keep you under their control. They will pull out all the stops to make you feel wanted, admired and loved. One moment, you could be the most important person in their lives and in the next, when you don’t agree with them on something, it could be a trivial matter, you would become a worthless person that is undeserving of his/her respect and love. The switch from hot to cold is unnerving and they will make the survivors think that the problem lies with them.

 

In spite of the detrimental impacts of being in a relationship with a narcissist, the good news is that it is possible to heal from it. I have supported and seen my clients live a meaningful and flourishing life following the breakup with a narcissist. Though the journey may not be easy, if one is willing to work with a professional to go deeper and understand the pattern of relationships in their lives, they can find healing and freedom. 

What are the steps to heal? 

  1. Educate yourself on NPD and accept that it is a disorder. Know that you are not alone and you are not the problem. Raise awareness for it. The World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day is on 1 June. Get involved and when you are ready, share your story. You can empower and help others by sharing your experience courageously.
  2. Get professional help as dealing with trauma can be complicated. Learn to connect the past to the present; typically, the dynamics between the person with NPD and the survivor is one that the latter is familiar with. It is not uncommon that upon the realization that the partner has NPD, the survivor can see that a family member could be one as well. Those who persist in such toxic relationships are usually accustomed to such dynamics from childhood.
  3. Practice boundaries – physical and emotional. Have zero contact or keep it to a minimum should you share the care of the children. The survivors are usually empathic and attuned to the feelings of others. Be mindful not to take on feelings that are not yours. Have clarity on what is your responsibility and discard those that are not yours.
  4. Build a strong foundation – focus on one’s strengths and resilience, in ending the relationship and working through the issues. Find meaning in it by rewriting the narrative.
  5. Forgive and work on self-love. Self-compassion is a critical component in recovering. Learn to take good care of yourself – physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual, social.
  6. Pay attention to your body as trauma is stored in your body. Practice mindfulness to bring yourself to the present moment when you’re triggered by difficult memories. The triggers will still be there, and the healing process will be imperfect and a work-in-progress.

  7. Focus on the good – that is in you; the work that you have put in to heal and maintain your well-being by learning new skills and maintaining good habits. Celebrate quick wins when you are able to enforce boundaries or not take on responsibility for how others are feeling.
  8. Embrace a healthy relationship. After being in a toxic relationship for a long time, being in a healthy relationship can feel weird and scary. You aren’t sure what to make of it. The lure to get back to what is familiar albeit negative for you is high. Be aware of it and put measures in place so that you can recalibrate when you feel threatened.

 

Let’s remember that significant relationships in our lives will impact our mental well-being. Even as we focus on the benefits of positive relationships and promote it, we also need to provide support for those who have been through traumatic and toxic relationships. The key is to remember that relationships should enhance your lives and motivate you to be a better version of yourself. When there are disempowerment and manipulation in the relationship, it is not healthy, and you can make the decision to get out of it. 

Healing comes with returning your focus to yourself, acknowledging your feelings and emotional experience and taking responsibility for yourself. Through the right help and therapy, you can learn new skills, to regulate your emotions, have better communication and understanding, and help yourself break the cycle of unhealthy patterns. Your resilience can be enhanced, and a flourishing life is once again within your reach. 


DSM-IV and DSM-5 Criteria for the Personality Disorders