Strong social connections are vital to our mental and physical wellbeing – they help us navigate stressors and give us the courage to overcome the challenges that we face. Positive relationships are pivotal for an individual’s happiness, productivity, and form the foundation of a person’s support system. As such, we must not take these relationships for granted. Instead, we need to learn how to continue building and maintaining such positive relationships with others.
As an overall guideline, a good way to start is for us to adopt the “Above and Below the Line” thinking. Has someone ever told you in the heat of an argument that you have “crossed the line”? In every domain of life, there’s a line, and we all intuitively know where “the line” exists. In any given moment, we are either living Above the Line or Below the Line.
When we are “below the line”, we are constantly angry, closed, and looking for blame and excuses. When we are operating out of fear, we withdraw from our connections, which causes us to become estranged from others, and pull ourselves back emotionally. In such cases, try gathering the courage to connect with what you’re afraid of. Although this could turn out in both good and bad ways, it will be worth a shot. At least you will then be able to confront the grip of toxic fear and bring forth behaviours and beliefs that are above the line. Anger, on the other hand, causes us to blame others or the situation we’re in, while at the same time creating excuses for ourselves. At times, we can even move into a state of denial. In order for us to start living “above the line”, we need to be more mindful of our emotional state. This could mean being more sensitive to the context and perspective of others or the situation. When we are “above the line”, we are operating out of love, understanding, and appreciation in order to tackle anger and take ownership of what’s happening. Acknowledge that pushing the blame on others continually will wear you out, and will eventually take a toll on your relationship. Moreover, remind yourself to be less prideful and try giving others credit instead. Focus on gratitude for those around you, and start showing appreciation for their contributions and positive impact on your life.
When we choose to live “below the line”, we fall victim to the biases that influence our perception, thereby impacting our relationships in a negative way. Such biases may include:
Egocentric behaviour often stems from inadequate awareness of the self. This becomes limiting in the sense that we become embedded in our own point of view rather than attempting to understand the perspective of the other person. Egocentrism can often lead to feelings of anger and frustration, and severely impacts our capacity to deal with others in an appropriate manner.
- Fundamental Attribution Error
Fundamental Attribution Error is the tendency to explain others’ behaviour and actions based on internal factors. This means having a cognitive bias to assume that someone’s behaviour is dependent on the personality of that person. When we overemphasise personal characteristics and qualities and choose to ignore situational factors when judging someone else’s behaviour, we become increasingly narrow-minded, making it difficult for us to resolve situations in an efficacious manner. For example, if a road user cuts into our path while driving, our initial thought might be that the driver is a “jerk”, or someone who is highly impatient. However, we fail to consider the possibility that the driver could have been rushing a passenger to the hospital.
- Naive Realism
Naive realism is the tendency to believe that we view everything around us objectively and those other individuals who disagree with our viewpoint must be uninformed, irrational, or biased. This also causes us to be self-righteous and narrow-minded.
- Confirmation Bias
Confirmation bias describes the tendency of individuals to seek evidence that confirms and reiterates a previously held view. A classic example of this is the belief that women are poor drivers compared to men. We pay particular attention to the gender of such poor drivers and cherry-pick evidence that reinforces the idea of the poor motor skills of women.
As much as possible, we should try staying away from living “under the line”. When we fall victim to such biases, our perceptions become clouded, causing us to be incapable of handling our social connections well and in a healthy manner. Try staying away from negative emotions, and be more open-minded and understanding of the other party and the situation at hand.
So, how can we make the shift and start living “above the line”? Instead of living in fear, anger and pride, try living in courage, faith and love. Gather the courage to improve yourself, and take tiny steps every day. Reflect on the personal qualities and weaknesses that you think you need to work on and make the effort to change. If someone gives you constructive feedback, take it! Focus on self-improvement and don’t let pride and arrogance overcome you. Have faith in yourself and in the relationships you share with others. Believe that relationships can be worked on and salvaged, even if they are on the rocks. Lastly, give and spread love. Love will bring out the greatness in yourself, and the best in others. Show the people around you that you genuinely care for them, and that you appreciate their presence. Positivity will certainly go a long way and bring individuals closer together.
Above all else, perhaps you could ask yourself a simple question when tackling any situation in a relationship: Is your intention to help or to hurt? If you are willing to take the step to be more mindful of your intentions, then you’re already on the road to building and maintaining positive relationships. The more you practice, the better you’ll get. On the other hand, should you require any further guidance, don’t be afraid to reach out to us.
Dr. Justin Coulson, How Intention Builds Positive Relationships, video recording, Mental Health Academy
<https://www.mentalhealthacademy.co.uk/dashboard/catalogue/how-intention-builds-positive-relationships>. (Accessed 24/06/2020)