Marriage counselling, also known as couples therapy, often carries a stigma. Many couples hesitate to seek help due to misconceptions and fear of judgment. This blog aims to dispel those myths and provide a clear picture of what marriage counselling entails in Singapore.
Understanding the Need for Marriage Counselling
Every marriage faces challenges. Communication breakdowns, unresolved conflicts, and life transitions can strain even the strongest bonds. While some couples navigate these hurdles independently, others may benefit from professional guidance. Marriage counselling provides a safe and supportive space for couples to explore their concerns, improve communication, and develop healthier relationship patterns.
The Journey to a Healthier Marriage
Marriage counselling is not a quick fix; it’s a journey of self-discovery and relationship growth. The process typically involves:
Assessment: The therapist will meet with both partners to understand their concerns, relationship history, and individual needs.
Goal setting: Couples collaboratively identify their goals for therapy and the areas they want to improve.
Skill-building: The therapist guides couples in developing effective communication skills, conflict resolution strategies, and tools for managing emotions.
Exploration of underlying issues: Therapy may delve into deeper issues contributing to relationship challenges, such as past traumas, attachment styles, or individual mental health concerns.
Maintenance and relapse prevention: Couples learn strategies to maintain progress and prevent future relationship difficulties.
Common Misconceptions & Myths About Couples Therapy
Several myths prevent couples from seeking the help they need. Let’s debunk some of the most common ones:
Myth: Marriage counselling is only for couples on the verge of divorce.
Reality: Couples therapy can be beneficial at any stage of a relationship, even for those seeking to strengthen their bond and prevent future issues.
Myth: The therapist will take sides or blame one partner.
Reality: A skilled therapist remains neutral and helps both partners understand their roles in the relationship dynamics.
Myth: Marriage counselling is expensive and time-consuming.
Reality: While therapy requires an investment of time and money, the long-term benefits for your relationship can outweigh the costs. Many therapists offer sliding scale fees or packages to make therapy more accessible.
Myth: Marriage counselling will magically fix all our problems.
Reality: Therapy provides tools and guidance, but it requires effort and commitment from both partners to implement changes and improve their relationship.
Myth: Talking about our problems with a stranger is uncomfortable and embarrassing.
Reality: Therapists create a safe and confidential space where couples can openly express themselves without judgment.
Myth: We should be able to solve our problems on our own.
Reality: Seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Just as we consult professionals for physical health, seeking guidance for relationship challenges is equally important.
Myth: Marriage counselling will change who we are as individuals.
Reality: Therapy helps you understand yourself and your partner better, but it doesn’t aim to change your core personalities.
Myth: If we go to therapy, our friends and family will judge us.
Reality: Prioritizing your relationship’s health is commendable. Focus on your well-being and disregard any negative opinions.
Finding the Right Support with Promises
At Promises Healthcare, our experienced couples’ therapists provide a safe and supportive environment for you to navigate your relationship challenges. We offer evidence-based therapies tailored to your unique needs, helping you strengthen communication, rebuild trust, and reignite intimacy.
If you’re considering marriage counselling, don’t let myths and misconceptions hold you back. Take the first step towards a healthier, happier relationship. Contact Promises today for a confidential consultation.
I made an analysis of the 10 Rules of Marriage that I found on the internet recently and received several requests for proactive and positive rules that couples can abide by.
Based on what I understand and practise as a relationship expert, I came up withWinifred’s10 “rules” that I hope will encourage you to invest in your marriage or relationship.These rules are derived from the principles used in Gottman Method Couples Therapy as well as Applied Positive Psychology that I am skilled in.
While I call them “rules”, they are not cast in stone. Pick and decide with your partner on the rules that are most relevant to your current stage of relationship. Let’s dive in and look at each of them.
Be a safe harbour to each other
What this means is that you will be the person that your partner will turn to for connection, support, comfort and love. There is intimacy and closeness when you can be your real and authentic self. You also prioritise each other when you make decisions. For this safe harbour to be strong, you make effort to safeguard the relationship by setting clear boundaries on rules of engagement with the opposite sex. You don’t take the marriage for granted. For couples who share the same faith, pray and grow your faith together.
Adopt a growth mindset
Be willing to learn and change, recognising that there are skills that each of you can learn in order to deepen your relationship and connection. Instead of seeing your partner from your own perspective and forming your own conclusions, entertain the possibility of discovering new things about each other. Continue to work on being the best version of yourself for each other. Cultivate self-awareness so that you can continue to reveal your true self to your partner.
Listen, summarise and validate
The first rule in listening to each other is that you’re not both talking at the same time! Unfortunately, I observe the contrary a lot in my couples. After a while, both persons are talking at the same time and no one is listening. Always take turns to speak. To ensure that you are truly listening, make sure that you are able to summarise and validate the point or position of your partner to his/her satisfaction. Always check to see if you’ve heard each other’s side of the story correctly. This is the foundation of good communication.
Practice gratitude
Much research has shown the importance of gratitude not only in the formation of a new relationship but also in the successful maintenance of these intimate bonds. Additionally, the experience of gratitude enables you to feel closer to your partner thereby leading to a greater satisfaction in the relationship. When you are grateful for your relationship, you’re less likely to compare yourself or your partner with someone else. Learn to focus on what is good in your partner and the relationship will become stronger and deeper. Verbalise your gratitude to your partner frequently to minimise the feeling of being underappreciated.
Do small things often
It is more important to show your care and love through tangible actions frequently rather than doing a grand gesture once or twice a year on special occasions. You strengthen the emotional connection between the two of you when you do small acts of service and love to your partner by sending a message to encourage him or her on a challenging day or to share in the joy of small wins. Identify your partner’s love language and show your love accordingly in a way that he or she can receive and appreciate. Thank each other regularly, affirm the virtues you admire in one another and be willing to apologise first to repair any regrettable incidence.
Build a healthy love bank
A “love bank” is a collection of what makes you feel connected, cared for and valued by your partner. The concept is similar to a normal bank account where there are deposits and withdrawals. When you build more positive interactions with your partner, your emotional love bank account flourishes. You feel safe and secure. Even if you have a “withdrawal” (for example, a small argument), it doesn’t feel too threatening. You know that you have sufficient amount in that will not result in a deficit. When you notice that your partner or you are getting more annoyed and easily triggered,there is a danger that you may need an overdraft. For example, things that don’t usually bother you about your partner’s behaviour, irritate you now. Pay attention to it and put in effort to increase the emotional connection. Ways to increase your love bank include understanding your partner’s inner world, showing fondness and admiration, and turning towards his or her bids for connection. Repeat #3, #4 and #5. Be mindful not to turn this into a game of reciprocity where comparisons are made on who’s done more.
Approach conflict with curiosity
The ability to regulate conflicts is critical to the success of a relationship. When you address your differences adequately, they are less likely to snowball into a massive conflict. When you find yourself in a different position from that of your partner, be curious and ask questions about his or her position so that you can deepen your understanding of your partner. What happens more often than not is an assumption is made that your partner is making your life difficult by being oppositional or disagreeable. This perception is detrimental as you begin to assume the worst in each other. Those who are conflict-avoidant often find it challenging to regulate their own emotions and the emotions of their partner during conflicts. It’s important for them to learn the skill to call for a break so that they can self-soothe before continuing with the emotionally-charged conversation. When you are curious and re-frame your conflict as an opportunity to deepen your understanding of each other, the differences become less daunting.
Be playful and laugh a lot
Recall the time when you first got together: there were easy conversations, plenty of laughter and fun. As you progress to different stages of the relationship, responsibilities and burdens will increase. As such, it is easy to slip into a routine and forget about having fun together. Cultivate and utilise your sense of humour as it is a good way to connect with your partner and to lift the mood when the going gets tough. Watch comedies, share jokes and funny stories so that you can laugh together. If you have kids, laugh with them too. Life is hard and it will be harder when we take everything too seriously.
Support each other’s dreams
Couples who decide to be committed and marry each other usually have dreams in mind. When you are not intentional in having such an important conversation with your partner about their dreams, it is easy to be consumed by day-to-day tasks and activities that you forget the big picture. Take time to find out and revisit your partner’s dreams regularly. Initiate such conversations when you’d like to take a new direction in your life. You can enhance your relationship by creating shared meaning and dreams. Common ones include building a family and home together, finding a cause that’s meaningful for you to support, creating impact through the work that you do either professionally or in the community you serve. Discussion of such dreams is important as it will affect the decisions that you make as a couple and family.
Accept influence and compromise
It is impossible to always find agreement between two individuals. Therefore being able to accept influence and compromise is key to the success of the relationship.Accepting influence is about developing your ability to find a point of agreement in your partner’s position. It is not about insisting that you’re right or finding evidence that your partner is wrongall the time. In accepting influence, it doesn’t mean that you need to change into someone you are not. You need to have a good sense of who you are at your core, and be sure to protect it so that you are not coerced into becoming someone else. If you make the decision to be the person that your partner needs you to be, accept your responsibility for that decision rather than blaming it on your partner. The challenge in accepting influence is really about relinquishing your control and preferences some of the time to prioritise the needs of your partner.
I’d really love to hear what you think of these “rules” and which might be the ones that you will focus on cultivating and practicing. Feel free to email me your thoughts and questions.
If you find this blog post helpful, you have my permission to share it with your friends and family.
If you’ve stopped having sex in your relationship and it’s bugging you, read on.
According to research, Greece is the most sexually active country in the world. Amid the white-washed buildings and servings of moussaka, every mature citizen there is reported to be having sex at least once every two days. Brazil comes a close second, with Russia not far behind. Across the globe, we are conditioned to believe that we should all be having as much sex as possible. But what if you’re not having sex and are in a sexless relationship?
Sex in a relationship comes with undeniable health benefits that extend well beyond the bedroom. It’s proven to lower blood pressure, increase immunity, lessen pain, improve sleep, ease stress, and much more. Yet despite the positive attributes, not everyone couple are getting down to it. There are varying definitions of a sexless marriage or sexless relationship, but it’s most quoted as being any partnership where sexual intimacy occurs 10 times or less within a year period.
Ebb and flow
Perhaps you used to be a do-it-daily type of marriage. Maybe a few times a month sufficed. There are couples who are happy to not have sex for their own reasons such as illness, early stages of motherhood or not being in the same country.If there has been a change in your sexual frequency as your relationship has developed, that’s also perfectly natural.
“Sex ebbs and flows over time and as we age, but the reasons it starts to stall are many and include everything from health issues to lifestyle factors,” says Andrew Da Roza, psychotherapist and sex addiction specialist at Promises Healthcare. “It can result from a great many combinations of variables such as sexual dissatisfaction, an emotional disconnection with your partner, poor communication, work stress, or simply a lack of privacy, space and sleep.”
Andrew also highlights how human beings are essentially a paradoxical bunch. “We desire nurturing and supportive relationships that give us a sense of safety, security, familiarity and predictability. Yet we also seek novelty, excitement, mystery, unpredictability and a journey of transcendence in relationships. From this perspective, it makes sense that couples can come to a ‘sexual standoff’.”
It’s here that things get complicated: without sufficient communication, side-effects of a sexless relationship for a couple can include anger, frustration and resentment in one or both people. “A lack of sex can perpetuate feelings of rejection, low self-esteem and insecurity that you’re no longer attractive to your other half,” says Winifred Ling, couples therapist and relationship coach at Promises. In the worst case scenario, should one partner feel they’re not getting their needs met, it can lead to them seeking sexual satisfaction elsewhere.
Get back on track
While this sounds pretty grim, the good news is that your sex life can be revived if you both want it. As with all relationship issues, communication is key. “Choose a time to talk when you’re both calm and in a good space to identify how you’re feeling about the lack of sex,” suggests Winifred. “Be open to speaking out sensitively and honestly — broach when and how often you’d like sex to take place, what’s good in your current sex life and what needs to be improved.” If this is tricky to do together, seek a neutral third party in such as a psychologist or councellor to facilitate the dialogue and provide a safe space for discussion.”
Of course, once you’ve spoken you’ve got to walk the talk. “Your actions have to be consistent with your words,” says Winifred. “The worst thing is when one partner feels invisible and alone in a relationship even though you’re physically together. Revive loving feelings in a sexless relationship by remembering what you love about one another, and affirm each other through words and actions such as hugs and touch. Show kind and generous gestures regularly (a kissy face emoji or a quick message keeps the connection going). Do the small things often to show you care and see your partner.”
Also, be mindful that sex doesn’t always have to be limited to intercourse, and sexlessness doesn’t have to mean a loss of intimacy. Physical intimacy, including cuddling, oral sex, manual stimulation and sharing sexual fantasies, contribute to bringing you closer which can then lead to a more fulfilling sex life.
“Ultimately, no one should tell you what to do in a relationship,” says Winifred. “So, if you’re having less sex than you think you ‘should be’ and are fine with it, there’s nothing to be worried about. What makes for a happy and healthy sexual relationship is meeting the needs of both partners and bonding as a couple. Only you get to decide if you fit into society’s definition of a sexless relationship or not.”
If you are having communication problems, issues with sexual arousal or painful sex within your relationship, it might help to seek support from a trained professional.
Everyone who owns a car knows that it needs servicing periodically. We don’t wait till the car has broken down before we send it to the workshop. We do regular tune-up for the car so that we can ensure its smooth running and lifespan.
What does it mean when we apply the analogy to a relationship?
Relationships are just like cars, and they experience wear and tear. If we ignore the little things that go wrong, we may end up dealing with a major breakdown. Whilst relationship tune-up is not therapy, per se, it is a session with a relationship coach to evaluate your relationship and the intent is preventive.
Some questions that we look at are:
• How satisfied are you with your marriage?
• Where are the gaps that you’ll like to close?
• What’s the legacy that we are creating together?
• What’s the dream within the conflicts that we have?
Many are familiar with pre-marital counseling and we are also aware of marital counseling, which is usually assumed to be for troubled marriages. Relationship tune up is the in-between where most relationship lies and yes, you can seek help to enhance your marital life.
As a couple therapist, the question I sometimes get is, ”Is my problem serious enough to warrant a therapist?”
I like to address this question in this article.
There are 3 key reasons why you’d want to see a couples therapist/relationship coach
When you have issues in the relationship that you’ve tried to solve but you’re unable to.
When you want to do a health check for your relationship
When you’d like to enhance your relationship
Prevention is better than cure and this applies to relationship as well. If you’re in a committed relationship and not married yet, nothing should stop you from finding ways to strengthen your romantic competence.
The majority of couples that I see now in my clinic are those with troubled marriage or also known as ‘relationship recovery’. Increasingly, I have more couples who decided to seek help and they are in under category 2 and 3. It’s highly encouraging for me to see this trend as younger couples are less affected by the stigma of seeking help.
In enhancing your relationship, what you can expect is the identification of possible conflict areas, assessment of your communication and conflict management skills, emotional regulation skills as well as the strength of your relationship. The former framework of therapy is based on looking at the problems and trying to fix them. What was missing is how to focus on what is good in the relationship and magnify and fortify those strength? This is equally important and it’s also more positive.
For ‘relationship recovery process’, the types of cases that I see include infidelity, being stuck in conflicts, poor emotional regulation which leads to avoidance of conflict and rebuilding trust and commitment.
There is a certain transition in life where relationship coaching or therapy is highly recommended. This is as follows:
Pre-marital: Before you make the lifelong commitment, you want to be ensured that your chances at staying married is as high as possible. You want to know what the non-negotiables are and learn skills that make the process of integrating your life smoother.
Transitioning to parenthood: While bringing a baby into a family is a happy occasion, it brings about a lot of stresses to the marriage. 2/3 or 67% of couples who transition to parenthood suffer a decline in their satisfaction of marriage. Help and support is available foryou to learn how you can mediate this and continue to keep the spark in the marriage alive.
Couples who have suffered child lost or have unsuccessful attempts at assisted reproduction.
Couples who are planning to adopt: You will want to know what are the expectations that you have of each other and what sort of rituals of connection you can establish so that you don’t lose sight of your own relationship.
When you have a child with special needs either physical, intellectual or mental: This additional stress could make or break the marriage and often times, couples place so much focus on the child that he/she ends up neglecting the partner. What you want to cultivate is the mindset “we against the world” rather than “I am alone in this marriage”.
Empty nest: There is an increase in marital break-ups at this stage because they have waited for their young children to grow up. The many years of emotional disconnection and busyness of life in caring for the children may have caused neglect to the marriage but it is possible to breathe a new lease of life to the marriage so that you can enjoy your golden years meaningfully.
Ultimately, relationship is hard work. You will need to consistently invest in it just like how you would a plant. You will need to Create an environment that’s conducive for the relationship to thrive; learn the skills that can help you connect better with your significant other and be intentional in what you want in the relationship.