Blog Category: Family & Relationship Counselling

What Is Circular Causality?: Understanding Your Child’s Reactions

The American Psychological Association defines ‘Circular Causality’ as a sequence of causes and effects that leads back to the original cause and either alters or confirms it, thus producing a new sequence, as in a feedback loop.

This is an important concept that helps to explain certain interactions within relationships better. Relational patterns and rules between family members within the family system dominate how individuals interact and engage with one another. These rules are often silent, unconscious or multi-generational in nature. Within this system, the family operates according to some ‘thermostat’ which sets the ‘desired setting’ for how each member is expected or required to function. The functioning applies to how situations or people are viewed, how much self-disclosure is welcomed or permitted, how personal or interpersonal difficulties are addressed or not, how disagreements or secrets are to be dealt with, or what relational values are being promoted. Families in different cultures may operate with certain predictable rules or patterns, eg. within families sensitive to shame, avoidance or non-verbal disclosure, communication is often practised. Tapping into the honest emotions of members over time tends to reveal the ‘temperature’ within the family system.

Families nurture the psychological ‘birth’ of the sense of self within children during their childhood. In the process, parents shape within their children how young children will engage themselves (intra-personal relationship) to function in later childhood and adulthood (inter-personal relationships). Healthy relational patterns and appropriate rules are important to foster healthy emotional development towards an important psychological milestone for children: healthy identity formation. Because these patterns and rules are so fundamental in the shaping process, it is important for parents to understand how they can shape their children towards this healthy identity. If not, the child could begin a life-long struggle from having accepted an identity that is diffused, confused or distorted in nature. This is usually accompanied by secondary effects of this outcome, eg. a pattern of difficult or troubled relationships with others. This usually adds additional distress to the sufferer and to those who relate to them.

Instead of understanding interactions within relationships along a linear continuum where there is a definitive start and end, circular causality opens up to appreciating the relational context where interactions can be examined between two events in more useful detail. With an understanding of circular causality, understanding the interactions between two or more individuals can better reveal where an interaction can get stuck. This pattern occurs in all relationships but it is especially within ongoing relationships where being stuck in a negative cycle can lead to particular disappointments, hurt and pain. For children, unhealthy patterns and rules within families can undermine the child’s emotional development over time.

Circular causality is particularly useful to explain conflicts between family members which can become persistent and damaging. Persistent hurts can undermine relationships and lead to how negative expectations of each person are viewed and engaged with over time. They are a concern because of the prospect of children’s sense-of-self being hurt or damaged within certain family systems. Therefore, careful attention is usually necessary in understanding the attribution of cause-and-effect of what is problematic between family members.

Individuals attribute cause and effect or causation in situations and within relationships. Linear cause and effect of A 🡪 B 🡪 C are defined by a specific start and end point. Individuals who operate from understanding relationships based on linear causality tend to assume that problems are caused and maintained by the other individual’s beliefs, biology, emotions or other abnormal factors within the individual, i.e., they are self-generated. Therefore, solutions are found when the individual in question changes their beliefs or emotions within them to respond differently to the situation.

In contrast, circular causality refers to the reciprocal relationship between two events. Family members influence each other in a continuous process within a feedback loop. A vicious cycle is often present when two or more family members have relied on unchecked assumptions to carry out their attributions of cause-and-effect in the situation. The perspective of reciprocal relationships stems from the foundations of cybernetics, which refers to the regulatory action where one part of the system impacts another. Events usually do not happen in isolation. There is a feedback loop which tend to result in a new equilibrium. It is more that A 🡪 B 🡪 A.

Case Studies

Case 1:

Susan refuses to go to school and goes into her room. Mom and Dad raise their voices and lecture her. When they raise their voices, Susan isolates. Mom and Dad’s frustrations or anger heighten Susan’s need for isolation, and Susan’s isolation heighten Mom and Dad’s anxiety, and therefore their escalation.

For parents who operate on assumptions of linear causality, their perception can easily overlook other reasons to explain the child’s original presenting problem, eg. Susan may be bullied at school, she has an unhappy relationship with her teacher, or she may be afraid of facing exams but is afraid to tell anyone. Parents who operate based on linear causality tend to see their child as the source of the problem, and to overlook their contribution or other reasons leading to the child’s presenting problem.

Instead of being quick to judge the situation as the child choosing to misbehave, parents should focus first on establishing a safe, trusting relationship with their daughter before their intervention.  They can raise concerns about what their child may be fearful of with empathy. The following statement could be as follows, “Hey Susan. You usually would enjoy attending school. But something unpleasant or uncomfortable may have happened to make you afraid of returning to school. I remember that when I went to school, I have at times been uncomfortable going to school because I was afraid of meeting someone I did not like, or having to face an exam I was not prepared for, or having to face a teacher who was mean. Can you tell me what is going on for you at school that you are uncomfortable facing? I will like to help you.”

Case 2: 

John struggles in completing his homework and his poor grades. The father Mr. Lim responds to him with harsh criticism. Hurt and demoralized by his father’s criticism, John does not put in his best effort at school. His father’s criticism then intensifies and John puts in even less effort to learn. 

Family difficulties are often not rooted by a simple mistake made by the child (mistakes are common for children and instrumental for how they learn).  In this scenario, the father’s response to John may be reflective of how Mr. Lim was regarded as a child himself by his own parents when he was growing up. Criticism then is an extension of how he was treated as problematic as a child (to regard himself as stupid, inadequate, irresponsible) so as to repeat the cycle here. Without knowing all this history, John becomes hurt and angry against his father’s accusation. He can try to defend himself and retaliate with, “I am not useless. You are.” Mr. Lim who is outraged by John’s apparently disrespectful reply can bear down on John for what he considers to be John’s defiance to intensify his attack: “You are not only useless but disrespectful.”  This pattern can then set up a loop that becomes self-perpetuating or self-reinforcing based on their view of each other. John is seen by his father not only as stupid or irresponsible, he is also viewed as disrespectful and defiant. In turn, John sees his father as unloving and hurtful whom he needs to distance himself from. If they had a positive relationship earlier in John’s life, this relationship can deteriorate over time if the underlying issues are not addressed.

In reciprocal relationships, circular causality is often revealed in the course of the interplay between emotional experiences, false or valid expectations and eventually how we experience each other. It often reveals how one or both parties perceive and interpret their individual world, and there is usually a historical reason  behind their perception. Our current experiences, perspectives and approach to relationships are often already influenced or shaped by our previous significant relationships with our family-or-origin and culture.

[ In this situation, Mr. Lim should be advised to consult a child clinical psychologist when he sees no improvement with his son’s behavior. He needs to be alerted to the importance and quality of the parent-child relationship in impacting the child’s self-esteem, emotional conditions for what children need to thrive and the nature of the unconscious. If Mr. Lim was armed with the appropriate knowledge and possibly obtain personal help to address his relationship with himself as defective or inadequate, he could approach his son with, “Hey son. Studying in Singapore can be challenging or difficult. The workload can be heavy and the material can be difficult. I struggled with it too when I was a student. What struggles are you facing at the moment?” ]

Case 3

In the midst of ongoing conflicts between parents, their child Ben develops anxiety because the two people he loves appear to be hurting each other. Ben acts out with anxiety and/or depression, eg. temper tantrums, excessive withdrawal from school or play, trouble at school. This draws the attention of his parents who attend to him. In the process, their own conflict decreases. From this, Ben learns that he can influence his parents’ conflict through his anxiety. 

Circular causality helps to explain why family members may be stuck arguing about the same subject every time through communication traps or failures. Understanding cause & effect on a linear perspective in relationships can result in an artificial understanding: one cause & one effect or multiple causes & the same effect. In this scenario, Ben’s parents may wish to see Ben as having difficulties coping with school. Their solution may be to improve Ben’s responses to become more resilient. But if Ben attempted to communicate his difficulties with his parents’ conflict, they may not wish to believe that they contribute to his struggles. In so doing, they fail to capture the root of the problem for what it is. A child’s struggles may be defined by their parents because the child’s limitations reflects the parents’ limited emotional insights on themselves or their children. This lack of emotional insight and understanding is often expressed through circular causality to reveal that children can be misunderstood often and that the parent-child relationships can often be negatively impacted.  The parents’ own limitations are often overlooked in the situation.

Repeated over time, the negative rituals expressed in circular causality can be locked in place by ignorance, emotional hypersensitivity, defensiveness, contempt for one or more family members, hopelessness, hurt, anger, blame, fear and avoidance or stonewalling. Emotional cut-offs may be used frequently. If this happens, the effects of circular causality in an unhealthy family system can be experienced as intolerable. If there was previously a positive bond that bound the relationship, it can now be worn down by pain and the relationship may become damaged.

In this situation, the parents should consult a clinical psychologist familiar with children and family issues when they notice their child struggling with school or presents with anxiety in the midst of their conflict.

How To Break The Cycle

Raising healthy children require establishing healthy relationships and healthy boundaries. Because the goal of raising healthy children is so worthwhile and essential to their future growth and success, parents need to be concerned that their relationship with their children are not defined by misunderstandings and conflict which are painful. To foster family unity and raise healthy children, three important values and practices are essential to promote certain patterns and rules in the family system:

1. Parents need to learn about child development. They should also remember that children function at a disadvantage because they tend to lack the emotional insight to explain their fears, their confusion, and what they need. Subsequently, children often have difficulty articulating what they feel or need. They need parental help to develop their emotional insight and offer them a broad emotional vocabulary to learn to express and communicate themselves clearly and honestly. When this is offered by parents who are emotionally mature and aware, intentional to raise children in their best interests, and when these parents are trusted by their children, the groundwork is being laid for the healthy formation and development of the child’s emerging identity.
2. Parents need to develop the courage to have honest conversations with each other and their children. This courage needs to be accompanied by the believe that each member has important value so that each person is treated with respect. With courage and respect, each person can be approached with caution about making inaccurate or false assumptions of each other, and engaging in a self-serving bias. Being honest and courageous is important to clarify if inaccurate attributions are being made. Being ready to listen without judgment prior to making honest inquiries would further help to avoid misunderstandings or address misunderstandings when they occur.
3. The willingness to develop healthy emotional intimacy promotes the value of sharing for each family member to know one another and to being known by the others in the family. This offers the basis for bonding and closeness. When communication is constructive, affirming and respectful, it can establish the sense of security within children and trust between family members. For children, this is particularly important since secure attachments contribute significantly to the child’s emotional development and mental health. This in turn offers a basis for them to acquire a healthy approach to future relationships and healthy functioning.

   To promote relationships which are safe and nurturing, words are powerful to convey that each family member is highly valued. They should be deliberately selected to promote each other’s well-being. Having a pattern of honest and constructive communication with healthy rules where individuals are affirmed and supported help to promote a family system where each member can safely practice saying what they mean and mean what they say. Misunderstandings are not left to stay but are promptly corrected. This offers the most fertile ground for healthy personal and interpersonal growth to happen. When parents notice they have difficulty delivering these practices, they should consult a clinical psychologist.

References:

American Psychological Association. (n.d.). Apa Dictionary of Psychology. American Psychological
Association. Retrieved October 22, 2022, from https://dictionary.apa.org/circular-causality

Kerr, M. E., & Bowen, M. (1988). Family evaluation: An approach based on Bowen theory. W W Norton & Co.

Many years ago, whilst I was a trainee, I used to work in the Institute of Mental Health. One night, while I was on duty in the emergency room, an old lady in her 90s brought her 60-year-old daughter to the clinic. With a calm and friendly smile, she told me that her daughter had relapsed. It turned out that her daughter had been suffering from schizophrenia for many years, with frequent relapses that required innumerable hospitalizations. At the age of 16, she started to suffer from hallucinations and paranoid delusions. She became suspicious of others, and her temper became extremely volatile. In the early days, she resisted taking medication, resulting in a rapid deterioration in her condition. Within a few months, she was forced to drop out of school. Subsequently, she did try to work, but was unable to hold on to a job. Without a stable income, she was unable to support herself and was unable to lead an independent life. Moreover, her psychotic symptoms worsened, impacting on her self-care. She had to stay at home near-daily, relying on her mother to care for her.

The old lady was a senior nursing officer in our country before her retirement. She made many important contributions to our country’s healthcare system and she was a pioneering leader in the nursing profession. Unfortunately, her husband passed away early on, and she had to raise all their three children by herself. Her eldest son went abroad to start a business and now has a successful trading company in the United States. Her second child also did well in her studies. After getting her master’s degree, she taught at the university for several years but decided to become a housewife after getting married. The third child was originally the smartest and most sensible amongst the three children. She studied hard since young, and did well academically, with excellent grades every year. She was a filial child, who would always help her mother with housework. In short, she was never a trouble to her parents.

Unfortunately, she fell ill during the first year of junior college, resulting in a dramatic change in her personality and behaviour. Formerly a cheerful, vivacious and enthusiastic young lady, she became irritable and impulsive. Her paranoia resulted in her isolating herself from her friends and loved ones. The old lady took care of her with infinite love and silently accepted this difficult mission. But the eldest brother and the second sister refused to associate with her, and did not welcome their visits even during the Lunar New Year.

The years gradually passed. The old lady is now retired and the frailties of age took a toll on her physical health. In her twilight years, she sincerely begged her two elder children to take care of their sister. But they both adamantly refused to accept this burden. After asking several times, and after having the door literally closed on them on the 2 older children, the old lady finally understood. She courageously continued her lifelong mission and patiently looked after her daughter. By then, she was in her early 90s, and her daughter was in her 60s. That night, she quietly told me: “I’m actually tired, but I cannot die. Because she still needs me.”

That night, I truly understood the greatness and self-sacrificing nature of a mother’s love.

Schizophrenia is a serious, long-term disease. The support of family members is very important to the patient’s recovery. Without the help of family members, even if you take the best medicine and see the best doctor, it will be to no avail.

Positive discipline and gentle guidance are concepts which are not given enough recognition. In comparison to corporal punishments and other forms of authoritarian parenting, positive discipline aims to teach by first creating a safe relationship with children, putting connection before correction. According to recent neuroscience research, people learn best when they feel safe and connected to others, in the context of safe relationships. This helps to instil discipline with maximum efficacy in the long run.

What does positive discipline bring to the table? Apart from building trust and strengthening parent-child relationships, it teaches children responsibility, self-discipline, problem-solving skills and cooperation. By ensuring that learning isn’t fear-based – such as in the context of authoritarian parenting – it also helps children build on their self-esteem, develop their sense of significance, as well as manage their emotions effectively. However, it is key to note that gentle guidance may not always yield immediate results. Consistency plays a crucial role, and over time, parents will notice their children actively apply what they have learnt.

Positive Discipline Techniques

Redirection

This technique involves diverting your child’s attention to other activities when they are acting out, or when you’re trying to guide a child’s behaviour from inappropriate to appropriate. For example, if your child is running around in the kitchen while someone is cooking, stop them and introduce another item or toy that would be of interest to them. Rather than simply saying, “Don’t run in the house,” say, “ “It is not safe to run in the house. Please go outside if you want to run.”

In addition, follow up with questions to confirm that he/she understands the boundaries (i.e what is and isn’t acceptable). Questions can include:

“Is it safe to play in the kitchen while it is in use?”

“Where else could you play instead if you feel like running?”

Such open-ended questions confirming boundaries can also initiate child-led problem-solving.

With positive discipline, it is important that you describe the behaviour you want to see without lecturing, and whenever possible, let your child know what they can do, as opposed to what they cannot do.

Positive Reinforcement

Emphasise the positive things your child does. If you only pay attention to negative behaviour, you will end up reinforcing that behaviour. When your child does something worthy of praise, be sure to acknowledge it and give him/her recognition for it. Positive reinforcement is not limited to words of praise for good behaviour. In fact, rewarding your child with natural rewards can be an extremely effective method for encouraging similar behaviour in the future. For instance, if a child asks politely for a cup of juice instead of throwing a full-blown tantrum, consider giving a little more juice or even a nice topping to motivate similar polite requests in the future. Remember to point out what they did right and emphasise how you appreciate their polite behaviour. This kind of praise helps your child maintain a positive self-identity that they will want to live up to as well.

Natural Consequences

Punishing your child often can turn you into the enemy, fostering an unhealthy parent-child relationship. Many parents tend to punish their children in ways that are unrelated to the offence too, and this can be confusing or simply encourage their children to act in defiance. Where possible, allow the natural consequences of their actions to unfold. For instance, if your child throws a tantrum and refuses to put on a raincoat while it is raining, the natural consequence is that they would get wet. They will be far more likely to acquiesce the next time than if you respond with a time-out when a similar situation arises.

Time-in and Time-out

You may be familiar with the time-out consequence, a common disciplinary technique when a child has done something wrong. Solitary, boring time-outs can be effective when well-executed. However, research has shown that such disciplinary methods are best when occasional time-outs are paired with time-ins. Time-ins encourage good behaviour, and are carried out by having the parent spend quality time with the child after a bout of bad behaviour. Instead of lashing out at the child and sending them away, spend time with them and help them calm down if they are emotionally agitated. Once they’ve calmed down, it would be much easier to discuss better choices for the future, and encourage them to apologise for their bad behaviour.

Paying attention to language use

Language is very important when it comes to disciplining a child. When anger strikes, it’s easy to get caught up in the heat of the moment. Be mindful not to use derogatory language or words of insult, as this can be hurtful and harm the child’s self-esteem. Moreover, try rephrasing your sentences. Instead of saying, “you messed up”, begin sentences with “I” statements. Convey how you felt about their behaviour rather than solely focusing on what the child did. This makes the approach to discussing the situation less critical, and allows the child to calm down and feel less defensive especially if their actions were unintentional.

While gentle parenting is a brilliant method as a whole, it is still important that we do what we need to do if there is danger involved. For instance, if your child is running straight for a busy road, yelling or grabbing at them is completely valid and reasonable.

All in all, remember to focus on encouragement and redirection of bad behaviour to appropriate alternatives. Positive discipline can go a long way, and it will certainly benefit both parent and child.

References:

1. https://srhd.org/media/documents/What20is20Positive20Discipline1.pdf (Accessed 15/07/2022)
2. https://www.verywellfamily.com/examples-of-positive-discipline-1095049 (Accessed 15/07/2022)
3. Photo by James X on Unsplash