Take a look around our workplace and you will likely see people from across different age groups, particularly as we now have many people working past the age of 60. In fact, it is not surprising to see at least up to four generations on the job today, from the Baby Boomers to Gen Z. In case you are wondering what each of these generations refer to, here’s a rough guide:
Baby Boomers: They were born between 1946 and 1964, and are currently between 56 to 74 years old.
Generation X: Gen X was born between 1965 and 1980, and are currently between 40 to 55 years old.
Generation Y (also commonly known as Millennials): Individuals born between 1981 and 1996, and are currently between 24 to 39 years of age.
Generation Z (or Gen Z in short): Refers to the demographic cohort succeeding the Millennials, or loosely speaking, those born from 1995 to 2010. In other words, these people would be 10 to 25 years old at present.
A flurry of potential labels has appeared that refer to Gen Z as well, including Gen Tech, post-Millennials, iGeneration, Gen Y-Fi, and Zoomers. It goes to show that this is truly a generation of digital natives. They have been born into a world of vast technological advances and innovations and exposed to smartphones, social media, virtual reality, the internet, and artificial intelligence from a very young age. This is where the gap has widened drastically between Gen Zs and those of Gen X, Gen Y, and especially the Baby Boomers.
Unlike the older generations, the Gen Zs grew up during the rise of social media, smartphones and instant accessibility of information in a hyper-connected world. Gen Z individuals reportedly spend up to 3 hours a day on average on their computing and mobile devices. With that said, keep in mind that new technology is typically first adopted by the youngest generation before it is gradually adopted by the older generations. Baby Boomers in particular, still make up the largest proportion of traditional media consumers. While the younger generations have switched to digitalised news sources or other forms of online social media, quite a handful in the older generations is still sticking to the old-school television, magazines and newspapers.
You might wonder, “So what exactly is the problem here?” Well, while it is true that generation gaps have long existed since time immemorial, the widening gap between generations is seemingly putting our interpersonal relationships under strain. Gen Zs across the world are well aware of the ways in which their childhood has been unique from their parents and grandparents. In the past year or so, the “OK Boomer” phenomenon has become increasingly widespread over social media. Albeit a little controversial, the term “OK Boomer” is often used by Gen Zs in a rather cutting and dismissive manner to a particular suggestion or criticism by an older generation person. As the term found its way onto the internet, the younger individuals found it to be an effective and all-encompassing manner of expressing their feelings, especially towards things that they find out-of-date. Even more so, Gen Zs and Millennials often use it whenever they want to direct our attention to generational conflicts – for example, expressing their frustration and critiquing the older generation for making judgements on issues such as gender expression, their financial choices, or their approach to job-hunting.
We interviewed a fellow Gen Z, Himanshi, a current student at Nanyang Technological University pursuing a Bachelor of Communication Studies. Here is what she has to say: “Social media certainly contributes to the widening gap due to the disparity between the types of communication and information mediums that we are engaged in. But at the same time, it is a natural occurrence simply due to the sheer difference in trends, preferences and eras.”
This brings us to what we can do to bridge the generational divide. For sure, we can’t stop the rapid evolution of how people communicate and interact, but perhaps it would be useful for us to have a better grasp on the Gen Z’s internet slangs and their way-of-speech, to narrow the communication divide at the very least.
“It may seem a little unfair to expect the older generations to pick up on our slang, especially since we don’t do much to understand their differing experiences and their perspectives either”, Himanshi added. “It’ll probably be a little awkward for us too if they were to start using them, but we cannot deny that it would certainly help in breaking down the communication barrier between us,” she laughs.
As much as we would like to include all the various slangs in this miniature guide, there are, frankly, way too many. However, we’ve picked out some of the most commonly used internet slangs adopted by Gen Z individuals. While this list is, for the most part, universal due to its online exposure, the usage of some phrases could vary depending on region and age group.
“Sus” Popularised and widely used after the release of the game “Among Us”, this term is short for “suspicious”.
“Oof” Another term for “yikes”.
“Mood” / “Same” / “Me” These are just various ways of saying “I can relate to that”.
“Sksksksksksksks” Although tough to pronounce it verbally (hence mostly used online), this internet slang is basically the new “hahahaha”.
“Slaps” This term does not actually refer to an actual slap. Instead, it is used in a positive light to describe something cool, or even praise-worthy. For example, Gen Zs may say, “This song slaps!’”
“Thirsty” Again, this term does not reflect the innate need to quench your thirst. This term is used to describe someone who is desperate for attention, especially from a romantic interest.
“Shook” / “Shooketh” Another way to express surprise or shock.
“I’m dead”/ “Dead”/ “Ded” / “I’m deceased” These are various ways of reacting to something hilarious. These are sometimes replacements for terms such as “LOL”.
“No Cap” A way to convince another person that you’re not lying. In other words, it is to convey authenticity and truth. For example, a Gen Z might say, “No cap, you look gorgeous.”
“Spill the tea” / “Tea” “Tea” here refers to gossip or the latest scoop. When one says “Spill the tea”, they are asking you to let them in on the gossip.
“Flex” To show off. This can be applicable to possessions, or sometimes even knowledge and other intangibles.
“This ain’t it, chief” A humorous way of signalling to someone that their statement or opinion is wrong or stupid.
“Salty” A sense of jealousy, bitterness or sadness.
“Shade” To “throw shade” at someone is to trash talk him with rude comments.
“Highkey” “Highkey” is often used in replacement of “very”, “really”, or “clearly”. It is used to express something straight up and openly. For example, “I highkey want that shirt!”
“Lowkey” “Lowkey” is the opposite of “highkey”, and it is usually used to express something in a rather secretive and restrained manner. For example, “I want to keep this issue lowkey,” or “I lowkey hate that guy.”
As more and more Gen Zs are entering the workforce and infiltrating our offices, perhaps it’s highkey time for the older colleagues to study up and grasp these slangs.
As a child, how did adults around you react whenever you expressed your feelings? Did you grow up receiving that subtle message to wall up your emotions so they don’t get the better of you, or become anyone else’s burden? Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) is a topic often overlooked, and many fail to realise that it can eventually manifest into mood disorders or anxiety disorders if not dealt with appropriately.
Childhood Emotional Neglect occurs when our caretakers or parental figures fail to respond to our affectional needs suitably during critical stages in our development. An individual who grows up experiencing emotional neglect may experience a pattern of having his or her emotions being disregarded, invalidated or downplayed by others. While many of us may wonder, “What kind of parent doesn’t pay attention to a child’s emotional needs?” In reality, some parents may not actually realise that they have been shutting their child(ren) out emotionally. In Asian societies in particular, some parents are commonly labelled as “authoritarian” or “tiger parents”. These people may in fact perceive themselves to be giving the absolute best to their child, enforcing strict discipline and ensuring that their offsprings are well-equipped with the best skills to succeed in life. However, young children and teenagers may instead be overwhelmed by such demands, and feel as if their feelings were never considered or understood. Whilst we mentioned its prevalence in Asian societies, it is key to note that it is not merely limited to these children – many worldwide experience it too, making it an exceptionally important subject. With emotional neglect being a common feature in the childhood of many, it can become an undesirable shadow that follows us throughout our lives – eventually leading to undermined happiness and the lack of an authentic sense of self.
Delving into the matter at hand, Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) can come in two forms – active and passive CEN. Active CEN is when parents or caregivers actively act in a way that dismisses or denies the child’s emotions. For instance, a boy is sent to his room for crying over the death of his pet fish, and his parents complain of having an overly-dramatic son. When the child is being denied of his sadness and is receiving the message that his behaviour is unreasonable, this forces the child to grow up hiding his feelings, and at times struggling with fear and shame of his own emotions. On the other hand, passive CEN occurs when parents show a lack of care or validation regarding the child’s emotional needs. When parents fail to notice when the child is angry, upset, hurt or anxious, this gives off a subliminal message to the child that his feelings are irrelevant or not worthy of note. In any case, both forms of CEN are clearly detrimental towards one’s mental health.
Albeit not having a test or questionnaire that can help with a diagnosis for CEN, there are certain “symptoms” of CEN that may surface, be it in the later parts of one’s teenage years or adulthood.\
For one, individuals who have experienced CEN may find it difficult to prioritise their wants and needs, even if it’s something that would bring them great joy. It is innate for us to have desires and to just be aware of what we want and need. However, for someone who grows up having his feelings invalidated and cast aside, it could become a natural thing for him to keep his desires to himself. As such, even if opportunities do come along, these people would often fall through the cracks, most probably due to their inability to request for it upfront, or by allowing others to seize it instead.
CEN also causes one to start projecting any feelings inward, regardless of whether they are negative or positive ones. People who have experienced CEN are particularly predisposed to turning feelings of anger inwards, as they never learnt how to be comfortable with their emotions, nor how to handle them in a healthy manner. It is often said that nothing good comes from bottled-up feelings, and that is absolutely true.
Having pent-up feelings also mean that these individuals are not likely to seek help or lean into their support systems whenever things get tough, making them feel all the more isolated and vulnerable. Even at times when they are feeling deeply challenged by certain life events, they find themselves trying to cope all on their own, leading to unhealthy stress levels and anxiety. Unsurprisingly, the constant feelings of shame and inability to get in touch with one’s emotions will eventually lead to one losing sight of his or her strengths as well. As a result, poor self-esteem is sometimes a consequence of CEN.
While many individuals, including adults, fail to recognise the impacts of childhood emotional neglect on their lives due to its subtle nature, it is important that they get themselves back on track – to regain true happiness and greater self-esteem. You might have grown up devoid of your own emotions, but you need to recognise that facing them head-on will ultimately help you to cope with life events and for you to regain your sense of self.
For many individuals, therapy is a rather intense and personal topic, and it could have taken them a lot of courage to finally seek the help that they need. Keeping this in mind, it is exceptionally crucial that one finds the right therapist, for there’s a pre-existing implicit clinical belief that the level of treatment effectiveness is greatly dependent on the therapist-client fit. Of course, every client would love to be able to – ideally – find that one therapist whom they can fully open up to from the very beginning, but in reality, that may not be the case. At times, it is necessary to assess your relationship with your therapist and evaluate if there’s the good rapport you need for your sessions to be a success. Ultimately, it boils down to whether you feel a steady, reliable and safe connection with the therapist, and whether you are making the progress you hope for.
To give you some background, studies over the years have shown that the more similar the therapist and the client, the higher the rate of recovery. As an example, an assessment instrument entitled the “Structural Profile Inventory(SPI)”, which measures seven “independent yet interactive” variables (behaviours, affects, sensory imagery, cognition, interpersonal, drugs/biological factors or BASIC-ID), showed that client-therapist similarity on the SPI predicted a better psychotherapy outcome for the client as measured by differences pre- and post-treatment on the Brief Symptom Inventory. Moreover, the demographic similarity between therapist and client facilitates positive perceptions of the relationship in the beginning stages of treatment, enhances commitment to remaining in treatment, and at times can accelerate the amount of improvement experienced by clients. More precisely, it can be said that age, ethnicity, and gender similarity have been associated with positive client perceptions of the treatment relationship. With gender and cultural similarities appearing the most strongly preferred among clients, these domains generally enhance clients’ perceptions of their therapists’ level of understanding and empathy, and as a result, sessions are judged to be more advantageous and worthwhile. However, besides these, there are also other means to assess your “fit” with your therapist, and we’re here to discuss just that.
First and foremost, consider if you are seeking help in the right place. Does the therapist you are looking at specialise in the area you are seeking help for? Before we can even touch on the topic of interpersonal therapist-client fit, it is important for you to take the time to do some research on various therapists’ profiles – in other words, to sift through and read up on their respective areas of expertise. Typically, therapists would have their area(s) of specialisation up on their online profile directories. It would be clearly indicated if they specialise in areas such as substance abuse, family therapy, or even anger management. It goes without saying that, for example, it would be inappropriate to consult a psychologist who specialises in child psychology when you’re clearly looking for someone who can help you with your substance-use addiction. With that said, it is to no one’s benefit for you to rush into therapy blindly.
Once you have chosen the potential therapist that you are most likely to want to have see you through your road to recovery, another essential question you should ask yourself is whether you are comfortable with their suggested mode of therapy. During consultations, you will have the opportunity to enquire about their recommended techniques or treatment methods that will be explored during your subsequent sessions. If you are uncomfortable with any particular process, giving honest feedback and exploring other methods is always an option. However, at any point, you also have the right to seek other therapists who may be able to help you in other ways that don’t put you in a tight spot. After all, therapy is all about having a safe and comfortable space for you to sort out your difficulties.
When assessing your interpersonal connection with your therapist, make sure to trust your gut. This way, you’ll also be able to track your progress better and to seek alternative help if required. Some questions you can ask yourself are:
Am I satisfied with the current balance of talking and listening with my therapist?
Is my overall therapy experience safe, warm, and validating?
Am I fully assured that I’m in a non-judgemental space where I can be fully honest?
How much has the therapist helped me to gain greater insight into my own behaviour and thoughts so far?
Am I becoming more capable of coping (independently) with stressful or triggering situations over time?
Am I noticing more positive changes in myself, as compared to when I first started therapy?
As mentioned, a major deciding factor should also be on whether you find yourself noticing positive changes in your thought cycles and behaviour after a couple of sessions. At the end of the day, therapy should be about working towards achieving your desired outcome, and should definitely not be limited to weekly venting sessions. Although venting and letting out hard feelings can provide temporary relief, it fosters a client’s dependence on the therapist over time and further reinforces the client’s problems. Therapy should instead help you to feel more confident that you’ve developed the relevant skill sets in order to cope with whatever emotional challenges that brought you to seek therapy in the first place.
Naturally, there’s no guarantee that we will find chemistry with the first therapist we meet. The chemistry between people varies, and sometimes it’s just not possible for us to force it. Thus, it is important to remember that a lack of fit between therapist and client is no one’s fault. However, remember that the ball is in our court, and it is within our control to start looking in the right place for the sake of our own well-being.
1 Herman, S.M. (1998). The relationship between therapist-client modality similarity and psychotherapy outcome. Journal of Psychotherapy Practice and Research, 1998 Winter; 7(1): 56-64.
2 Luborksky, L., Crits-Christoph, P., Alexander, L., Margolis, M., & Cohen, M. (1983). Two Helping alliance methods for predicting outcomes of psychotherapy: A counting signs vs. a global rating method. Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease, 171, 480-491.
3 Jones, E. E., (1978). Effects of race on psychotherapy process and outcome: An exploratory investigation. Psychotherapy: Theory, Research and Practice, 15, 226-236.
4 Blase, J. J. (1979). A study of the effects of sec of the client and sex of the therapist on clients’ satisfaction with psychotherapy. Dissertation Abstracts International, 39, 6107B-6108B.
Beutler, L.E., Clarkin, J., Crago, M. and Bergan, J., 1991. Client-therapist matching. Pergamon general psychology series, 162, pp.699-716. (Accessed 30/08/2020)
Predictive algorithms, the creation of alternate realities in which we are unlimited by the constraints of the real world we live in – such methods are extensively practiced by the gaming industry to draw players in. Gaming is undeniably a popular and widely-adopted mode of de-stressing, but how much is too much?
In May 2019, the World Health Organisation officially recognised “gaming addiction” as a mental health condition. It is diagnosed when a person displays a gaming behaviour pattern that causes significant disruption to their daily life for a period of 12 months. Meanwhile, a study showed that Singaporeans aged 18 and above spend a weekly average of 7 hours and 26 minutes playing video games, and that approximately 10 percent of Singaporeans game for more than 20 hours per week. This ranks us as the highest in Asia, and third highest in the world, falling only behind Germany and the United States.
What leads these addicted individuals to their compulsive gaming behaviour? Besides the prevalence and ease of access to games on various gaming platforms, video games often act as a form of escapism for many players. As a shining proponent of the alluring, edge-cutting virtuality, games allow for players to throw themselves into a virtual landscape that is contrasted from their – comparatively – mundane everyday lives, and can serve as a distractor from real-life problems that they are unconfident or reluctant to face. Moreover, it can be easy to fall into the trap set by game creators. Game designers construct games in a way that applies principles of behavioural economics as well as psychological mechanisms to explore stages and levelling up processes that trigger the brain’s reward system. In-game statuses matter a lot to gamers – the higher the rank you possess, the more pride and self-esteem you hold, knowing that you can show it off to your friends or gaming counterparts. As a result, individuals are often inclined to continue striving to climb the virtual hierarchy.
Naturally, excessive gaming has its consequences. When an individual develops a gaming disorder, his lifestyles can be disrupted in more ways than one. What is also important to take note of, is that the harmful effects of gaming addiction is not only limited to the individual alone, but could also affect the people in his or her social circle. Some of these adverse effects can include:
Obsessive Behaviour Individuals who are addicted to video games are always anxious to get back to games and will often display irritable, bad-temper aggressive behaviour whenever they are separated from their games unwillingly.
Increased Social Isolation With extended periods of intense gaming, these individuals become more withdrawn and disconnected from family, friends and colleagues, causing them to drift away from their loved ones.
Other Mental Health Conditions Gaming addiction can eventually lead to other issues that include depression or anxiety disorders. Sometimes, depression may follow due to the prolonged social isolation.
Other Physical Health Conditions A gaming addiction can also have a number of physical effects. When one devotes an excessive amount of time to the gaming activity, this can lead to physical conditions such as the carpal tunnel syndrome, migraine, back-aches or eye-strain. Extreme addiction may cause gamers to skip meals and rest, or neglect their personal hygiene as they lose control of themselves and can’t resist the desire to play more and more.
Gaming addiction is a serious matter, and can be degenerative if not addressed in the early stages with the initial symptoms and signs. Habits, including unhealthy gaming habits, can be formed anytime between 1 to 3 months, and it will be significantly easier to curb such self-destructive behaviour the earlier we try to tackle it.
While we are concerned with the various health risks and conditions commonly associated with gaming addiction, we cannot deny that video games are also undoubtedly entertaining and can be a good way to de-stress. However, as the risk of gaming addiction increases with increasing time spent gaming, what we want to advocate is moderation, rather than complete avoidance. With that said, if you are someone who is battling gaming compulsion, try to keep the amount of time spent gaming under control by setting time limits for play and stick to them. If possible, try reducing your playtime gradually by setting a timer on your phone, or use softwares such as ‘Cold Turkey Blocker’ to help you do this by blocking access to websites or applications so that you can get offline when you need to.
Like other forms of addictions, don’t try to go cold turkey at one go. Stopping altogether may cause you to feel as though there is a huge void in your life, hence increasing the likelihood of a relapse instead.
Facing your addiction alone can be a daunting and lonely experience. If it comforts you, try joining peer support groups or online communities where like-minded people are going through the same experiences. One example of a global online video game support community would be ‘Game Quitters’, a forum specially designed to help gaming addicts connect and support each other on their road towards a normal life. And of course, don’t be afraid to go for professional help for addiction treatment like counselling or psychotherapy (therapy) if things get tough. Choosing to struggle alone is never a sensible option.
Psychological evaluation is often helpful in understanding the strengths and challenges an individual may have in their cognitive, behavioural, learning and socio-emotional functioning.
At Promises Healthcare, we believe that “one size fits all” is not an approach that is applicable to the treatment of psychological disorders and challenges. We provide tailored recommendations for parents, teachers, and therapists so that interventions and accommodations allow each child to reach their potential.
IQ and academic testings can provide important information about a child’s cognitive strengths and weaknesses, academic needs, and preferred learning style. These can assist parents and children in making educational choices and implementing strategies to ensure that the child’s learning is appropriately supported.
Specific reasons for testing include:
Learning difficulties or delays (e.g. difficulties with spelling, writing, maths and/or reading)
Giftedness
Underachievement
Emotional and/or behavioural problems presenting in the classroom and/or at home
Admission to special educational programs
Increasing understanding of a child’s learning style
Concerns regarding possible attentional difficulties
What is IQ testing?
Intelligence testing is a method used by psychologists to measure a child’s intellectual capabilities. Intellectual assessment is a good indicator of a child’s potential. We use the Wechsler Intelligence Scale for Children, fifth edition (WISC- V). This is an individually administered instrument for assessing the cognitive ability of children aged 6 years to 16 years.
The WISC V is one of the most reliable and valid IQ testing instruments available and is the most widely used measure of IQ. The WISC V provided scores that represent intellectual functioning in four specified cognitive domains: Verbal Comprehension, Perceptual Reasoning, Processing Speed and Working memory. During the testing session, a child is asked to solve problems and puzzles and to answer a range of questions. Generally, most children enjoy the testing session as it is an engaging process involving novel and fun tasks. Should parents have worries about their child’s emotional wellbeing during the assessment, raise it with us and, we can explore a workable collaborative plan to support you and your child during the testing process.
What is Academic Testing?
Academic Testing provided an overview of a child’s current performance across a range of academic domains. We use the Wechsler Individual Achievement Test (WIAT-III) with subtests including:
Oral Expression
Listening Comprehension
Written Expression
Spelling
Pseudoword Decoding
Word Reading
Reading Comprehension
Numerical Operations
Maths Reasoning
The assessment provides a rich source of information about a child’s achievement skills. Information obtained can then be utilized for intervention decisions.
The Assessment Process
The assessment is conducted in several stages:
An initial assessment with parent(s) is an integral part of our assessment procedure.
A time is set to administer the WISC 5 and the WIAT-III and other relevant tests. Usually, you may have to set aside about two or more sessions for approximately 6 to 12 hrs (excluding initial consult session) for testing, depending on the capacity and the needs of the child/person. Spacing out testing over several days can help some children overcome fatigue and stress.
A comprehensive written report will be prepared after all the testings are completed, based on the outcome of the assessment and testing process. The report will highlight relative areas of strengths and difficulties, with recommendations for home and school settings.
A feedback session will be provided to parents after the completion of the report. During this session, parents can be given an opportunity to clarify and discuss any concerns regarding the report.
Fees for assessments
The Psychologist conducting the tests will inform parents of the charges involved during the initial consultation session, based on the needs of the child/person and the different tests required.
Payment Plans
Payment plans are available for our testing procedures. Clients may choose to pay the full amount for testing at the end of the initial consultation or they may elect to pay in two payments. Like most of the private practices, reports will not be released prior to receipt of full payment.
Referrals/ For Information
Please do not hesitate to speak to our friendly reception staff at (+65) 6397 7309 if you wish to make an initial appointment. Alternatively, should you wish to clarify matters with me personally, you can leave your name and contact details with the reception at clinic@promises.com.sg
Sibling rivalry is a conflict between brothers and sisters that go beyond simple disagreements between two or more parties because of individual differences and different opinions on a subject. Starting from as early as the birth of the second child, sibling rivalry usually involves jealousy and competition between siblings which can show up as fighting on a frequent or routine basis. It is usually frustrating and stressful for parents who do not understand human psychology or the basis behind relationship conflicts. They are often at a loss as to how to respond to the ongoing conflict between their children.
Since sibling rivalry often shows up from early childhood, the following forms of sibling rivalry behaviour are often displayed in response to each other:
name-calling,
blaming,
poking,
stealing things,
lying,
challenging a belief,
arguing,
simply looking at each other (with the intent of intimidation)
tattling,
breaking something that belongs to the other one,
hitting,
throwing something at the other one,
hiding something that is important to the other person.
Reasons for sibling rivalry:
Children may feel their relationship with their parents is threatened by the arrival of a new baby. They were the centre’ of their parents’ attention until the new baby arrived. Now the new arrival is seen as a competitor for the parent’s attention.
Children feel they are getting unequal amounts of a parent’s attention, discipline, and responsiveness. Their sense of value is measured based on their evaluation of their parent’s attention to them. So they compete to be favoured.
Children who struggle to differentiate and individuate as unique individuals do not yet recognize their personal power except through conflict and competition with each other. It shows up as a power struggle.
Children who are hungry, bored or tired are more likely to become frustrated and start fights.
Children may not know positive ways to get attention for a sibling or how to start playful activities, so they pick fights instead.
Children’s developmental stages affect how mature they are and how well they can share a parent’s attention and get along with one another. The less mature sibling may be more likely to want their parents’ attention as an all-or-nothing need focused on them and not their siblings. This immaturity is expressed as an either-or view instead of being able to adopt the view of both-and (ie., both being important). As such, their level of emotional maturity is showing in their attempts to resolve their attempts to negotiate with each other to resolve their conflict.
Each child feels the need to compete with each other to define who they are as an individual. As they discover who they are, they may uncover their own talents, activities, and interests. Sibling rivalry shows up as their struggle to separate, differentiate or individuate from their siblings while feeling inferior or superior along the way in contrast to their sibling.
Stress in children’s lives can shorten their fuses, and decrease their ability to tolerate frustration, leading to more conflict.
Stress in the parents’ lives can decrease the amount of time and attention parents can give the children and increase sibling rivalry.
Family dynamics play a role. For example, one child may remind a parent of a relative who was particularly difficult, and this resentment may subconsciously be projected on their child to influence how the parent treats that child so that the child is regarded as, eg. the ‘black sheep’ or ‘the problem child’ vs. the idealized. The problem-child view can be accepted by the other siblings from the parents and then be regarded accordingly. Similarly, if a parent simply has a favourite child among their children, maybe because the child is regarded as more socially, academically or physically attractive among the children, this can foster jealousy, resentment and competition between the children.
How parents treat their kids and react to conflict can make a big difference in how well siblings get along. Children often fight more in families where parents think aggression and fighting between siblings are normal and an acceptable way to resolve conflicts.
Not having time to share regular, enjoyable family time together (like family meals) can increase the chances of children engaging in conflict. The absence of an emotional bond between the children can increase the likelihood of conflict.
Other factors that influence sibling rivalry:
Birth order: for example, it is common that the oldest and youngest child often receive the most attention while the middle children often feel overlooked (eg. the oldest being celebrated by the parents or extended family as the first-born; the youngest being celebrated as the ‘baby’ of the family).
Spacing between the children: when spaced further apart, there is usually less competition; when spaced more closely, there tends to be more.
Temperamental differences: temperamentally easy babies tend to be liked more while more difficult ones are experienced as more annoying.
If parents choose as a favourite or respond differently to their children, this can also spur more jealousy and competition or intensify competition between them.
Gender: in some families, a child of one sex is preferred over the other.
Physical influences: children who share a room may argue more due to being in constant close proximity with each other; a child who received more attention due to an illness or physical disability may leave siblings feeling neglected or ignored.
Parenting style or approach: Children with very permissive and overly harsh parents tend to fight more –permissive parents may not operate with adequate rules so children feel they have to settle their conflicts by themselves without guidance; overly harsh parents who are strict or harsh tend to model aggression to their children to get their needs met. The best outcomes show up with parents who have acquired what has been described as the authoritative approach.
Age of the children: as children mature and reach later developmental stages, sibling rivalry tends to decrease.
Transitional times: sibling rivalry tends to intensify when there are changes in the family, eg. the birth of a new baby, when a baby becomes mobile, when a sibling goes off to school, when a sibling leaves the family for college or marriage, if there is a divorce or a remarriage.
How to respond as parents?
With this knowledge already outlined, parents can lookout for ways to parent more intentionally. Firstly, they have to desire for their children to get along or be positive or loving with each other in the family. Interventions can then be planned for. They can be preventative or when conflicts occur, facilitate to address the identified need or help resolve the conflict between the children. For example, understanding how the birth order could raise the possibility of jealousy between siblings, or the prospect of one child being favoured over another, the importance for each child to be valued and appreciated as unique is an important practice. Also, parents need to watch how they manage their own conflicts as their children view them as role models for life learning. At the same time, they can remain optimistic when they realize that some sibling rivalry is inevitable and that as children mature and learn ways to handle conflicts, the rivalry will usually subside. The younger they are, the more parents are called on to be a referee. Probably the most help needed to be directive with the children is 4 years or younger. Here are some useful strategies to help children manage their conflicts:
Communicate the basic message that includes:
Acknowledgement that they both want their way by arguing with each other rather than to cooperate.
Hitting each other, calling each other names or bullying is not going to work.
They both have needs in the situation and they have to find out how they can both be acknowledged and met but without fighting.
Find out how to do this by themselves of you will decide on their behalf in a way they may not like.
Establish rules for managing the conflict.
Having rules in place is a way of communicating your family values. So the parent needs to decide what behaviours are important and what they wish to enforce. This is an effective preventive strategy.
Handling conflicts and anger “No hitting, use words to say what you are upset about.”
Family Values/morals “We treat each other with respect.”
Parents’ role when there is conflict “If I get involved, I will determine the outcome.”
Hurt or property is damaged “Whoever caused the hurt or damage must make amends.”
Personal possessions and boundaries “We don’t take someone else’s things without asking first.”
Complaining “No complaining to get someone in trouble; you can “tell” to get someone out of trouble.” For example, a child telling his mother that his sibling just entered his room without permission.
Cooperation “Work it out between you two or if I get involved, neither of you might like what I decide.”
Conflict Resolution Sibling rivalry highlights the need for children to be taught the skill of conflict resolution. When they are young, the parent will have to walk them through the whole process after each conflict. In time, they will be able to resolve their conflicts with their siblings and others on their own. In summary, this process involves each child learning to express his point of view and listening to the other child’s point of view, generating a number of possible solutions that work for each of them, choosing one solution, and trying it. It encourages listening for and the expression of feelings to understand each other to discern what they both need. In this practice, it fosters the development of the sense of mutuality, and promotes the practice of collaboration and cooperation. This skill helps your children to navigate current and future relationships with their peers. It is useful throughout their life. It can equip them to be emotionally and relationally competent and capable as they see that they can come up with solutions to problems in relationships without fighting. But in order to engage in a problem exploration process, the children must be calm enough to dialogue. Time out may be called until both are calm enough to proceed. The parent also has to model for their children when it comes to handling conflict. The lesson is obviously more powerful when the parents practise this themselves. Use “fair fight” rules yourself.
Use cool off times to calm down first; then re-enter the situation.
Give second chances and opportunities to make amends.
Listening well: seek first to understand, then to be understood. In order to seek to understand, we must first learn to listen (Stephen Covey’s 5th habit of highly effective people).
Attitudes and additional strategies that help to encourage health sibling relationships:
Expect many episodes of sibling rivalry.
Treat your children as the unique individuals they are.
Do not show favouritism.
Stay calm and objective.
Recognizing the need is important in discussing ‘fairness.’
Don’t look for someone to blame or punish. Take personal responsibility to communicate well with each other.
Don’t get in long discussions about what happened (it can act as a reward for their arguments)
Establish basic relational rules: encourage communication, listening and understanding of feelings with empathy, taking turns.
Reinforce and remind them of a list of basic rules: “You can express your feelings to communicate clearly without having to be hurtful;” ”Use your words and not your fists;” “Speak to them in the way you would like to be spoken to.”
Encourage the children to solve their problems: be creative to find out “What would work for you both?”
Be aware of developmental stages: very young children find it hard to share as they need to have a sense of possession before they can share.
Don’t referee a fight if you don’t know what happened.
Do not allow your children to pit one parent against the other. Discuss privately and directly between parents if they disagree with a parenting decision made by the other.
Do not bemoan to the children that they “fight all the time” (or they will live up to this pronouncement).
Reward them verbally for their efforts at collaboration to promote a loving or positive connection between themselves. Valuing them verbally models for them to value each other. This also promotes both their self-esteem.
These attitudes are commonly practised by parents who embrace an authoritative approach to parenting. But when the conflicts get out of control and do not stop, get professional help. The relational skills children learn in childhood is what they practice with as adults. The ability to be effective in relationships is crucial to personal success later when children grow up to marry, have families of their own or at work.
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